Speakisms, What is said & What is Meant

Felony Stupid === A made "idiot"

Don't play stupid with me === I'm better at it

My minds like a steel trap === Rusted shut

I didn't mean that === I really meant that and more...

Life sucks === For you (and it leaves some mean hickies)

Give it a chance === This will take a miracle

Not bad for a first try === Do it over

You do this so much better than me === I don't want to do it

Lets just be friends === Flag on the plan, penalty, game over

Live as long as you like === It won't shorten how long your dead

Not right now dear === When hell freezes over!

What a surprise! === Oh God just let me die...

You fell down, let me help you === hahhhaaahha ha ahaa ha ha

I always take a relaxed attitude toward a problem like this === I ignore it

Don't worry about it === You're dead as far as I'm concerned

I'm not anxious === I'm just terribly terribly alert

Parts is parts === Leftover parts after a repair is normal...?

Oakie Dokie === Even I can't make this one out??? 

Bless your heart === You are an idiot who has totally screwed up!

I got your back!!! === I'll be standing right behind it

Oh, that's okay === It's not really, but  you're starting to get on my nerves

I don't want to take up too much of your time === I don't want to waste mine.

I appreciate that === Stop now while your ahead

I won't forget === I never understood it in the first place

Really? === STOP YAPPING!

hunnmmmrruupphh === Let's get this over

You look great === I have no idea what I did, but I can tell you're mad

I thought you only ate low fat peanut butter === Stop eating my peanut butter

Fine! === You're probably right, but I don't care

I can't seem to find my screwdriver === Stop messing with my tools

I miss you! === I've been doing something bad

I hate that guy === I wish I could do what he does

Where is the______? === Bring me the_______.

Got to go! === I've heard enough of you're b.s.

Your so smart honey === Why didn't I think of that?

No problem === isn't it time for you to leave!

I always know when you're here === I can smell your feet

Of course I'd like to meet your folks === Just not yet

You don't need to go on a diet! === It's too late now!

Let me tell you my idea === Here's how we're going to do it.

How are you? === Please don't really answer that

Let me try === So we can get it done in this lifetime 

You look fine === Is there anything I can say so that we can be on time?

You look fine === I'll bite my own tongue off before I say the truth

I think we need a cell phone === I want a cell phone

I could use a sandwich === Do you want to make me a sandwich

OK, you got my attention === Little good that'll do you

I was born ready === Let me check first with the wife

I'm not a little boy === I need a hug

Hi === Let's sleep together

Hello === Let's sleep together

Bye === Let's sleep together some time later

What? === Sorry, I was fantasizing

Yes === Now let's sleep together

No === But let's sleep together anyway

Let's have dinner === And then we can sleep together

oh, it's OK if you're a lesbian === Let's sleep together, bring your friends

My favorite Speakisms:

Single === looking

Married === Just looking

Verptitude === a female quality that makes you want to jump her without knowing exactly why

These don't fit in, but I liked them to much not to share:

But Daddy, I'm thirsty === Shut up & put the toilet seat down.

So I said to my wife === Look George!

Mary Rose === She sat on a Tack.

No, that doesn't make you look fat === Come ON, let's GO!

Just to make sure you're safe === Except for me, of course

Actually, no, I have to shave my petunias === by God you're annoying.

If I'm not mistaken aren't you === a beautiful woman that I'd like to meet

I wonder if that was important === I didn't understand any of that.

I married Miss RIGHT === I just didn't know her first name was always!

How are you? === I'm ready to talk about myself now.

I'm home === Do we have any beer?

I've got to clean up my house === I can't find my chair.

So, women are from Venus === I knew they had to be from another planet

Men are from Mars === What did she mean by that?

I'm sorry === How did you find out?

It's not you, it's me.=== Oh, it's all you!

I have a excellent memory === too bad it's short.

Who do you think you are === who are you?

I don't trust him === I don't trust myself around him

You're not fat === note to self, buy stock in Twinkies

Honey, I think you should buy that one === can we go home now?

I'll protect you === I'll stand right behind you.

Yes, I'll be right with you === What the hell do you want now

I'm not mad === I'm way pass mad

When your here your family === Do the dishes

I wasn't starring at her === Oh yeah...

How did you do that? === Why couldn't I figure that out first

I'm mad === common sense just flew out the window

I don't like trouble === Now if I could just figure my way out of this

Of course I love that dress === Can we go now?

I'll do it in a minute = notice I didn't say which minute.

It's not that hard === I already now how

Of course I promise === pending the applicable terms

Of course we won't have strippers at the bachelor party === We'll go to them.

Lets shag === Hey, it works for Austin Powers.

It's a man thing === logic optional

That' only human === I've got some skeletons that I'm hiding too.

How could I forget that === Give me a hint?

Your a lucky girl === You have me

I'm going to do it === Just not now

I don't have the right tools === The game is starting

Let me get my tools === Where did I put the duct tape

I  fixed it === Try it and see if it works

There isn't nothing wrong with smoking === I can't quit, pity me

You shouldn't smoke === I don't smoke

I don't gossip === But this one is too good...

I'm not lying === Testing testing, have I been caught?

It's nothing that I can't handle === Testosterone on overdrive

I feel like getting something to eat === Will you put something together

I feel like going out === Will you be the designated driver

I feel like watching the tube === Give me the remote

I feel sick === Call the Mayo clinic cause the gates of hell have just opened

Yes, I know === damn, your right again...

All men aren't pigs === Some of us haven't been caught yet

Lets go shopping === OK, I screwed up, I'm ready to pay

Of course I want to talk about our relationship === How long is this gonna take?

One more try should do it === I haven't got a clue

Of course I like your friends === notice that I said "your" friends

I'm not a doctor, but === I'm now going to act like one

I'm not in denial === I call it disallowance

Let me take a try at it === get outta the way

I don't understand === say it right this time moron...

I don't know how to [fill in the blank] === you do it

I'll have to think about it === no way in hell, babe.

You've lost weight === Turn around, I think I found it

I'm actually a really nice guy === Danger Will Robinson ... Danger

Nice shirt === Damn, that would look good on my floor.

But you Mis-understood me === I'm caught ... initiate damage control

You can trust me === my wife is here

Yes, that was great sex === I only had to think of two other women

You do believe me don't you === did I get away with it

It's not you, it's me === It's you.

This snack is "fat free" === You're not fat free.

I kept the letters you wrote me. === I've got evidence.

Have a mint === Kissing you is like sucking on wharf scrapings.

I didn't have sex with that woman === She had sex with me

I'm absolutely sure === I hope

I've got a headache === I'd rather punish you than have sex with you

I'll call you === I'll call you when I get desperate.

Could you deal with this? === I can't deal with this.

You know what I mean === I don't know what I mean.

I have a girlfriend === I don't like you, get the hell away and quit hitting on me!

Yes, of course I care about you. === Now get your clothes off

(throat clear) eh hem! === 'da hell outta my way

(throat clear#2) hmhm! === I am in the vicinity now, stop talking about me

I'm sorry === You'll be sorry.

We need === I want.

It's your decision === The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want === You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk === I need to complain.

Sure... go ahead === I don't want you to.

I'm not upset === Of course I'm upset, you moron.

You're ... so manly === You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight === Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights === I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient === I want a new house.

I want new curtains === and carpeting, and furniture, wallpaper....

Hang the picture there === NO, I mean hang it there

I heard a noise === I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? === I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? === I did something you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute === Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? === Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate === Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me? === Too late, you're dead.

I'm not yelling === Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.

Your very down to earth ==== Hillbilly

May I help you === Give me your money

Do you think I am sexy === give me a drink and it won't matter

Lets go out to eat === It's my turn to cook

Lets be friends  === Your one step from pond scum (part one)

political correctness === Lets just be friends (part two)

Sexual harassment === Lets "not" just be friends  (part three, and your out)

Big boned === charitable shape

Good personality === nice girl

Closing time === nice shape charitable girl

Blind date === A quick way to find out what your friends think of you

Hello === Lets have sex

Hi === lets have sex

(anything) === lets have sex

(nothing said) === should we have sex?

Stupid === Anything that disagrees with me in any way

Moron === Anyone I don't like (see stupid)

I'll get back to you === See that door -- leave

I'm going to get on the 'puter === entering cave mode, do not disturb

Sure, I'll give you a call === You and I both know you'll never hear from me again.

I'm fine! === Warning! In Cave! Trespassers may be mangled!

I don't want to date anybody yet. === I don't want to date YOU EVER.

No, I came over just to talk === Let's get it on!

I think we're growing apart === I grew up and you didn't

I'll call you sometime === I hope I never talk to that person again

It's not you it's me === you bore me and I want to finish it.

mmh, oh yea sure dear. === I have no idea what you just said.

Nice bike === damn that chick on the back of that Harley has a nice ass