Short Stories II
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70s or early '80s model Dodge pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
A yuppie opened the door of his new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to
his precious BMW.
"Officer, looked what they've done to my Beemer," he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" said the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid car, that you didn't even notice your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh, my gaaawd," screamed the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?"
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded files.
They did some genealogy reports.
They created labels and cards.
They did every known job.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and-of course-the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
"Mr. Clinton, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $875 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my
students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
'I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains.
The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. ''I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made
me feel like a woman!
Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?'' The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
''I can make you feel like a woman'', was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said ''Iron this.''
A politician running hard for office toured the country on a whirlwind campaign that took him from Portland, Maine, to Portland, Oregon, and from Anchorage to Miami -- as well as to every backwoods hamlet and village between the larger centers.
And like other office-seekers, the campaigning politician always took his wife along, especially to the more remote locations.
"But it proved of little use," he said to a friend, "she always found her way back."
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