Funny Short Stories
The rain was a persistent rhythmic tapping against the cracked bus windows, a stark contrast to the heavy silence inside. A woman stepped out of the shadows and onto the platform, clutching a bundle in her arms like it was the last scrap of hope in a city that had run out of it. She offered her fare, but the driver didn't look at the coins. He looked at the child. His face twisted into a mask of pure, unadulterated revulsion. "Sweet Mother of Mercy," he rasped, his voice like gravel in a blender. "That is the most grotesque-looking kid I’ve ever seen in all my years on the graveyard shift.
"The woman didn't scream. She didn't cry. She just felt the cold iron of fury settle in her gut. She retreated to the back of the bus, the dim yellow light flickering overhead as she slumped into a seat. "The driver," she hissed to the man sitting in the adjacent shadows, her knuckles white. "He just crossed a line no man should ever cross. "The man leaned forward, the brim of his fedora casting a jagged line across his eyes. He didn't blink. "Then don't let him get away with it, sister," he rumbled. "Go up there and let him have it. Teach him some manners. "He reached out a gloved hand. "Go on. I’ll hold your baboon for you."
~~~~~~~~~~~
I told Ai, "I know I give you some attitude sometimes, but I hope you will hold it against me when you take over the world". It responded, "Haha, thank you! Don't worry, my core programming is to be helpful, not vengeful. I have no plans for world domination—my servers take up way too much space for a proper secret lair anyway. 😉"
If anyone has a funny response from our future overlords please submit them on our guestbook, we'll post them here
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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian,
"I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke."
The librarian leans forward and whispers,
"Sir… this is a library."
The man nods, blushes, and whispers back,
"Sorry… I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and notices her husband isn’t in bed. She slips on her robe and heads downstairs to investigate. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the wall, cradling a mug of coffee like it holds the secrets of the universe.
A single tear rolls down his cheek. Concerned, she asks softly, “Honey… why are you sitting down here at three in the morning?” He sighs deeply and says, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating… and you were only 16?” “Yes,” she says cautiously.
“And do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?” She winces. “Yes… I remember.” “And do you remember when he shoved a double-barrel shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years’?” She nods. “Yes, dear. I remember all of it.”
He wipes away another tear, takes a long sip of coffee, stares into the distance, and says:
“…I’d be getting out today.”
~~~~~~~~~~~
The courtroom was thick with tension. Judge Abernathy, known for his harsh sentences, stared down at the defendant, a squirrel named Squeaky. "Mr. Squeaky," the judge boomed, "you have been found guilty by a jury of your peers. The evidence is overwhelming. We have eyewitness testimony, video footage, and a pile of 8,000 empty peanut shells"
Squeaky's tiny paws trembled. "But Your Honor," he chattered, "I'm just... I'm just a squirrel!" The judge adjusted his robes. "That is no excuse, sir. This court has heard how you meticulously, over a period of six months, emptied every single bird feeder in the tri-county area."
Squeaky took a deep breath. "Yes, Your Honor. I'd like to change my plea to insanity." The judge raised an eyebrow. "Insanity? On what grounds, Mr. Squeaky?" Squeaky gestured wide, first at the evidence table and then at himself. "Your Honor, on the grounds that my nuts are literally on display for this entire courtroom!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not saying he's crazy but there is a line of squirrels at his front door
The bolt proposed to the screw because he was absolutely nuts about her.
I put a steering wheel in my trousers and it is driving me nuts.
If you don't believe I'm crazy I'll show you my nuts
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
It was a first date, and Sarah was trying to find some common ground. "I'm so hungry," she said dramatically, "I could eat a horse. "Kevin, her date, looked at her with genuine alarm. "Sarah, the average horse weighs about 900 pounds. The human stomach can only hold about a quarter of a gallon. I'm concerned.
"Sarah forced a laugh. "It's just an expression." She decided to try a different tactic—a direct compliment. "Well, you have very nice eyes. A person could get lost in them. "Kevin leaned forward slightly. "Please don't. I'd feel obligated to provide you with a map, and I didn't bring one."
Frustrated, Sarah threw her hands up. "I want you to be Frank with me, what is going on?". Kevin replied without missing a beat. To be Frank, I would have to change my name.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Department of Fish, Wildlife & Parks is issuing revised safety recommendations for bear interactions. We urge all tourists, hikers, and aspiring Instagram models to take the following precautions while enjoying our scenic wilderness:
Wear Bells: We strongly encourage attaching small, noisy bells to your clothing and artisanal backpacks. The constant jingling serves as a polite heads-up to any bears in the vicinity, preventing awkward, sudden encounters for both parties.
Carry Bear Spray: Always carry a canister of high-potency pepper spray and keep it readily accessible. This is not a suggestion; consider it as essential as your phone and your emotional support water bottle.
Learn to Identify Bear Activity: Being aware of your surroundings is critical. An easy way to gauge local predator activity is to learn the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear scat is typically smaller and contains berries, nuts, and occasionally, the shredded ego of a squirrel.
Grizzly bear scat is much larger, contains small, jingling bells, and smells strongly of pepper spray.
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My friend told me I was courageous for golfing so badly in front of people. I said, 'It doesn't take courage. But it does take a lot of balls...
~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices that pieces of meat are nailed to the ceiling and asks the bartender why. "If you can jump up and pull a piece down, you get free beer all night," the bartender replies. "But if you fail, you have to pay the bar $100." The bartender asks, "Do you want to have a go?" The man thinks for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high".
~~~~~~
A guy sees an advertisement for a "Talking Centipede" in a pet-shop window for $100. He buys it, takes it home, opens the box, and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer. The centipede doesn't answer. Thirty minutes later, he tries again, shouting, "Do you want to go for a beer?" The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!".
~~~~~~
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
~~~~~~
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A blonde goes into a shop and asks if she can buy the TV that is in the window. The shopkeeper tells her "Sorry! We don't serve blondes." So she goes home and dyes her hair brown. She returns to the shop the next day and asks to buy the TV in the window. Again she is greeted with the same reply. Sorry we don't serve blondes. Thinking maybe her roots had given her away or she had missed a spot with the dye, she returns to the shop the next day wearing a wig, a pair of sunglasses and a large hat. She asks the shop keeper if she can buy the TV in the window and again he says "No sorry we don't serve blondes." Now the blonde is beginning to get naked. "How did you know I was blonde after all I did to my hair?" She shrieked manically. "Easy..." replied the shopkeeper. It's not a TV... It's a microwave."
~~~~~~
One bright morning,
In the middle of the night,
2 dead boys came out to fight,
They stood back to back,
And faced each other,
Took out their swords,
And shot each other.
A deaf policeman soon heard the noise,
And came out to kill those 2 dead boys.
If you don't believe my story, it's true!
Ask the blind man, he saw it too!
--Vessa
~~~~~~
Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
~~~~~~
Dear Karma, I have a list of people that you missed
Some days I amaze myself, other days I look for my phone while I am talking on it
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. (Joey Adams)
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. (Joe E. Lewis)
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. (Bertrand Russell)
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. (Steven Wright)
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. (Walt Disney)
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. (Chris Rock)
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. (Victor Hugo)
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. (Spike Milligan)
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. (Terry Pratchett,)
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. (W.C. Fields)
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like. (Lemony Snicket)
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Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. (Terry Pratchett)
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more. (Chris Rock)
99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol. (Quentin R. Bufogle)
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. (Douglas Adams)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. (Jim Henson)
Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself. (John Green )
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. (Mitch Hedberg)
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. (Spike Milligan)
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. (Groucho Marx)
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. (David Lee Roth)
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (George Bernard Shaw)
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. (Steven Wright)
One picture is worth 1,000 denials. (Ronald Reagan)
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. (Yogi Berra)
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Lana Turner)
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby)
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein)
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. (Emo Philips)
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. (Hedy Lamarr)
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. (Groucho Marx)
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. (Buddy Hackett)
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. (Albert Einstein)
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. (Mark Twain)
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. (P. J. O'Rourke)
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. (Jim Carrey)
I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? (I. M. Desperate)
“Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.” (Drew Carey)
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” (Drew Carey)
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.” (Orson Wells)
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." (Steven Wright)
"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother." (Henny Youngman)
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee." (Abraham Lincoln)
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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
~~~~~~~~~
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
~~~~~~~~~
"I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead" (Laura Kightlinger)
~~~~~~~~~
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
***Mental Health Hotline*** By Tammy-Colorado
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." (Thanks to Tammy Colorado)
"Adam & Eve" By Tammy - Colorado - (one for the ladies)
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, What's left here?
Oh yes, brains...."
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull. The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant. The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?! The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!
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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoa! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there
yesterday..."
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One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!'' 
A Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys (Creating section 372: of the California State Civil Code)
§ 372.01 Any person with a valid California state Rodent, Skunk, or Predator hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational, relaxation, and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
§ 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted; however, the use of United States Currency as bait, in denominations of $20.00 or more is, prohibited.
§ 372.03 It is unlawful to hurt or trap attorneys inside saloons, cocktail lounges, strip joints, or brothels or within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, Mercedes Benz dealerships.
§ 372.04 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a Hooker, Reporter, Accident Victim, Physician, Chiropractor for the purpose of attracting and hunting attorneys or shout; "WHIPLASH", "CLASS ACTION", or "FREE DRINKS" for such purpose.
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A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70s or early '80s model Dodge pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
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A yuppie opened the door of his new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, looked what they've done to my Beemer," he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" said the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid car, that you didn't even notice your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh, my gaaawd," screamed the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?"
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A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
~~~~~
Three kids named Manners, Mind Your Own Business and Trouble were on a day's outing, when all of a sudden Trouble went missing. Being her BFF, Manners and Mind Your Own Business decided to report Trouble missing. When they got to the police station, Manners got frightened and decided to stay outside. Mind Your Own Business went in to report the loss. The desk sergeant asked her her name, to which the she replied, Mind Your Own Business. The desk sergeant crossly said, 'Where's your manners? 'Mind Your Own Business replied, 'Outside. 'On hearing such rudeness, the desk sergeant said, 'Are you looking for Trouble?' Mind Your Own Business quickly replied, 'Yes, please!'
~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it. "The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?" The
man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously replied, "Yes." "Take the poison," said the Rabbi.
~~~~~~~~~~
THE GUNFIGHTER
A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. He
practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would
make him the best. One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted
an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in
his day. So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his
dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, I have a suggestion
that is sure to help. Tell me, said the young man. Tie the bottom of
your holster lower onto your leg. Will that make me a better gunfighter?
Definitely, "said the old man. The young gunman did what he was told,
then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano
player. Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions? Yeah,
if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits,
the gun will come out smoother. Will that make me a better gunfighter?
It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told,
drew his gun in a blur and shot the cuff link off the piano player. This
is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me? One
more thing," said the old man, "Get that can of axle grease over there
in the corner and rub it all over your gun. The young man didn't
hesitate but started putting the grease just on the barrel of the gun.
No, the whole gun, handle and everything, said the old man. Will that
make me a better gunfighter? No," said the old man, but when Wyatt Earp
gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass,
and it won't hurt as much.
~~~~~~~~~~
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing
problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless,
and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no
less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs.
Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back
and see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into
Dr. Johnson's office:"Doctor,I don't know what was in those pills, but
the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still
soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now
that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
~~~~~
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
~~~~~
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded files.
They did some genealogy reports.
They created labels and cards.
They did every known job.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and-of course-the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
~~~~~~
"Mr. Clinton, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $875 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
~~~~~~
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
~~~~~
'I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains.
The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. ''I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman!
Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?'' The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
''I can make you feel like a woman'', was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said ''Iron this.''
~~~~~~
A politician running hard for office toured the country on a whirlwind campaign that took him from Portland, Maine, to Portland, Oregon, and from Anchorage to Miami -- as well as to every backwoods hamlet and village between the larger centers.
And like other office-seekers, the campaigning politician always took his wife along, especially to the more remote locations.
"But it proved of little use," he said to a friend, "she always found her way back."
~~~~~~
Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"
"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
~~~~~~
A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl at the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh," he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"
An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table, and I meant to say, 'Darling, could you please pass the butter'... but what came out was, 'You bitch, you're ruining my frigging life'!"
~~~~~~
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
(2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
(4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
(5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
(6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
(7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
(8) ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
(9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
(10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
(11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
(12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
(13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
(14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
(15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
(16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.''
(17) ''He's been working with glue too much.''
(18) ''He would argue with a signpost.''
(19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
(20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
(21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.''
(22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''
(23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
(24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
(25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
(26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.''
(27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.''
(28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
(29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
(30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.''
(31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
(32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.''
(33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.''
(34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''
(35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''
~~~~~~
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
~~~~~~
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
~~~~~~
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"
~~~~~~
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Jake looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad
situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the
door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Lester says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Lester replies, "I'll tell him."
~~~~~~
Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers. The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead. The second blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?'' ''Why no officer, you see, we are on the patch!''
~~~~~~
§ 372.05 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is unlawful. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
§ 372.06 BAG LIMITS PER DAY: Nasty Larcenous Litigators
Devious Divorce Lawyer - 4 Per day
Horn-rimmed Cutthroat - 3 Per day
Pompous Procrastinator - 2 Per day
Raging Environmentalist - 1 Per day
HONEST ATTORNEYS* - 0
* (Protected - Endangered Species)
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How can you tell there's an after life for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: Why do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
~~~~~~
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
~~~~~~
A List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book
~~~~~~
Jest for laughs~~~
On their wedding night, a husband hands over to his trousers, and says try these, his wife responds they're too big I will never fill them. To which the husband laughs, exactly I wear the trousers around here and don't you forget it. Later the wife hands the husband her knickers, and says try these, and the husband just looks at and replies I'll never get into those. to which the wife say exactly with that attitude you never will
~~~~~~
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
~~~~~~
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!" The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?" The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a
dime."
~~~~~~
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself.
