Short Stories I
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can
get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
A blonde goes into a shop and asks if she can buy the TV that is
in the window. The shopkeeper tells her "Sorry! We don't serve blondes."
So she goes home and dyes her hair brown. She returns to the shop the
next day and asks to buy the TV in the window. Again she is greeted with
the same reply. Sorry we don't serve blondes. Thinking maybe her roots
had given her away or she had missed a spot with the dye, she returns
to the shop the next day wearing a wig, a pair of sunglasses and a large
hat. She asks the shop keeper if she can buy the TV in the window and
again he says "No sorry we don't serve blondes." Now the blonde is
beginning to get naked. "How did you know I was blonde after all I did to
my hair?" She shrieked manically. "Easy..." replied the shopkeeper. It's
not a TV... It's a microwave."
One bright morning,
In the middle of the night,
2 dead boys came out to fight,
They stood back to back,
And faced each other,
Took out their swords,
And shot each other.
A deaf policeman soon heard the noise,
And came out to kill those 2 dead boys.
If you don't believe my story, it's true!
Ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
***Mental Health Hotline*** By Tammy-Colorado
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. Hee hee.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." (Thanks to Tammy Colorado)
"Adam & Eve" By Tammy - Colorado - (one for the ladies)
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." Adam jumped up and
blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals,
I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really
wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, What's left here?
Oh yes, brains...."
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant. The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?! The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoa! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
The trouble with lawyer jokes are: Lawyers don't think they are funny, and other people don't think they are jokes!
A Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys
(Creating section 372: of the California State Civil Code)
§ 372.01 Any person with a valid California state Rodent, Skunk, or Predator hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational, relaxation, and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
§ 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted; however, the use of United States Currency as bait, in denominations of $20.00 or more is, prohibited.
§ 372.03 It is unlawful to hurt or trap attorneys inside saloons, cocktail lounges, strip joints, or brothels or within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, Mercedes Benz dealerships.
§ 372.04 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a Hooker, Reporter, Accident Victim, Physician, Chiropractor for the purpose of attracting and hunting attorneys or shout; "WHIPLASH", "CLASS ACTION", or
"FREE DRINKS" for such purpose.
§ 372.05 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is unlawful. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
§ 372.06 BAG LIMITS PER DAY: Nasty Larcenous Litigators
Devious Divorce Lawyer - 4 Per day
Horn-rimmed Cutthroat - 3 Per day
Pompous Procrastinator - 2 Per day
Raging Environmentalist - 1 Per day
HONEST ATTORNEYS* - 0
* (Protected - Endangered Species)
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How can you tell there's an after life for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: Why do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim,
kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book
Jest for laughs~~~
On their wedding night, a husband hands over to his trousers, and says try these, his wife responds they're too big I will never fill them. To which the husband laughs, exactly I wear the trousers around here and don't you forget it. Later the wife hands the husband her knickers, and says try these, and the husband just looks at and replies I'll never get into those. to which the wife say exactly with that attitude you never will
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots
the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!" The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?" The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."
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