Short Stories III
A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"
The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.
Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"
"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl at the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh," he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"
An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table, and I meant to say, 'Darling, could you please pass the butter'... but what came out was, 'You bitch, you're ruining my frigging life'!"
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
(2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
(4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
(5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
(6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
(7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
(8) ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
(9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
(10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
(11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
(12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
(13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
(14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
(15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
(16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.''
(17) ''He's been working with glue too much.''
(18) ''He would argue with a signpost.''
(19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
(20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
(21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.''
(22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other
(23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
(24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
(25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
(26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.''
(27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.''
(28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
(29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
(30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.''
(31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
(32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.''
(33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.''
(34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''
(35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Jake looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad
situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the
door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Lester says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Lester replies, "I'll tell him."
Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers. The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead. The second blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?'' ''Why no officer, you see, we are on the patch!''
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