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The two rules for success are: 1. Never tell them everything you know.

I'm the humblest person I know.

He who laughs last didn't get it

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We never make misteaks.

Here, take this placebo.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it

I could've eaten Alpha bits and crapped out a better report!!

The best time to make friends is before you need them.

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

Shelter from the storm

What would men be without women? Scarce.

You hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.

Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked

Recursive loop: See recursive loop.

I am not in denial!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Everybody lies, cheats and steals.  We all fall short.  The best we can do is to remember what  is important is what we do next...

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

All extremists should be taken out and shot!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

 Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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