What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? A polar bear
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
I told my girlfriend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high, she looked surprised.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden? Artificial Swedener.
At least you'll always be able to serve as a bad example.
God what am I, flypaper for freaks?
Q. What is brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why did the blind man give up skydiving?
A. It was scaring the hell out of his dog!
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why was the blonde so happy when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 4 years?
A: It said 3-5 years.
Famous Blonde Sayings:
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland & saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left', so they turned around & went home.
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin, and throw it back
A brunette says to a blonde 'Look! A dead bird!' and the blonde looks up and says 'Where?
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all accidents happened near your home, ... she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? ... It took her months to figure out she could use it after noon.
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? ...They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call a freezer full of blondes?? ... Frosted flakes
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? ...A dope ring.
What do you call a smart blonde? ...A golden retriever.
What's the definition of eternity? ...4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? ...An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes? ...A whine cellar.
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? ..."Oh, look!! Donut seeds!
There are three girls, all in grade 3: one a brunette, one a redhead, and one a blonde. Which one of them has the best body? ...The blonde, because she's 19 years old.
How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.? ...With a tire gauge
1. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. How did a fool and his money get together?
4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
6. What's another word for thesaurus?
7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
8. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
9. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
17. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
22. Is it possible to be totally partial?
23. What's another word for thesaurus?
24. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
25. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
26. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
27. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
28. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
29. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
30. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
31. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
32. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
33. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
34. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
35. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only In America:
1. can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..
2. do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
3. do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
4. do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
what has four legs and an arm? a pit bull
how do you make a dog drink? put it in a blender
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
#1:"I cant seem to get this door unlocked!"
#2 "Just hurry up, it's starting to rain and the tops down"
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count, then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states
Nice shirt...how many boxes of Froot Loops did you have to eat to get it?
Q: Why do men like women in leather?
A: Because they smell like new cars..
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'' The father replied: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''
There are three kinds of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What did the zombie say to the others... Get a life!
What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios? "Neato...Doughnut seeds!"
Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear ?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun ?
A: They're easier to keep amused.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
~~~ What to not say to the nice policeman. ~~~
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No doughnut for you!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my
lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
~~~ Sayings That Should Be On Bumper Stickers... ~~~
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Adults are just kids who owe money.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
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