Ask Ms Manners Part Two

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Ms Manners Part Two

Q: Why does a person need to be humble? signed, inquestioner

A: That way when we make a mistake (and we all do) we don't have to eat as much humble pie.

Q: Ms Manners, do you have mannners?  Signed, sarcasitca

A: I believe that where you graduated high school they should recommend putting your diploma in the windshield, that way you can legally park in the handicapped spaces

Q: What should you do if you're eating out at a fine restaurant and you want what's on someone else's plate? signed, Hungary isn't just a country in ... that place .... over there... somewhere! 

A: It's just like trading properties when you're playing monopoly.  When offering a trade don't show that you're desperate or they may jack up the price.

Q: How do you reverse false office gossip about yourself? signed, Falsely Accused in Denver

A: The truth shall set you free! If for some reason the truth isn't working, I have to wonder, maybe you did have sex with that intern....

Q: What is the remedy for gas? signed, detectit

A: Solar energy, if someone has gas they should go out in the sun and let it rip. 

Q: How do you feel about cellphone etiquette? signed, muffled

A: I'm all for it. The problem with progress is that some people seemingly are only one generation from the primate, not everyone is on the same page.  As the world gets more diverse, diverse it gets.

Q: How do I say no to a guy?  Signed, Too nice 

A: Some men can be dense so here are the rules. A man gets one chance to ask! So women if a man asks you on a date it's not harassment. The second time is allowed for clarification purposes only. The third time a man asks after being shot down twice shows his stupidity (don't be stupid). The best way to say no is to say no, don't be vague, it will only cause more problems.

Q: I have too much starch in my underwear! Signed, boxed in

A: No, your problem is too much time on your hands

Q: Is it ok to pick up your soup bowl and drink the liquid from it at the dinner table... Signed, Wen is wondering.

A: That must have been a secret when you were growing up....?  But the world knows that in the animism belief that spirits occupy all things. So that by sipping from the bowl you would actually be kissing someone, so you'll have to explore if you really feel that way towards the bowl...

Q: Should I sit in the bus seat while I find a young lady standing besides me?  Signed, mass travel

A: The current belief in equality would not condone this, however, regardless of gender if you can offer your seat to someone that could benefit from your action go for it.

Q: I need to know what the dinning etiquette was like in Kat Chopin time ( 1890 to 1910 approx) i need HELP Signed - i hate big projects (hicville, PA)

A: That was the time that the tablecloths were used as napkins, and silverware was used to defend your food.  Feel free to use this info and let me know how you do on the paper.

Q: Why do people always smack their gum in a library, when the signs clearly read no gum chewing?? signed, I feel the pain.

A: Inconsideration pops into my mind but I suspect that this is a result of you not filling out your census honestly.


Q: Why is it considered rude to eat with your elbows on the table?  Signed, the etiquette navigator

A: Rudeness is in the eyes of the beholder.  As long as society imposes arbitrary rules then we need to realize that the rules are to there to divide us into "us and them".  If we follow the rules we can claim membership of whatever group we want.  Too often we dress and act as a member of a group unconsciously and the rules of etiquette are just a part of this membership ritual.  Either that or maybe elbows spread disease, I can never keep that straight.

Q: If a door can be a jar, can a jar be a door? Signed, Deep thinker

A: If a baby is drop by the doctor at birth will the baby ever grow up and learn to type, Oh wait, I think you just answered that

Q: is it okay to eat on a bouncy castle if ALL the people on the bouncy castle don't like what your eating? From, misunderstood by EVERYONE

A: Another good reminder to "just say no"

Q: Dear Ms Manners I would like to know if I would ever get a boy friend and will it be the one I've always wanted. Signed, my eight ball is broken

A: Let me shake my eight ball (In my case I just shake my head) and the answer is, "it is certain".   And you know that eight balls are never wrong, so just let yourself go and embrace garlic and baked beans...

Q: Is it nice to burp at a table. signed your friend ashley

A: Let me answer this this way. Imagine that your a huge statue and then imagine the biggest flock of birds that you've ever seen...

Q: Y do people say 'Bless You' after someone sneezes.. hmm? It is THE most idiotic thing in the world and I want to know WHY! signed,  Angel of Death with a very strange cloak

A: People used to believe that sickness was due to evil spirits invading the body. The real angel of death would have known this.

Q: If your friend is seeing two guys should you recommend her to go to an optometrist?  Signed, Seeing double

A: Hey, I do the witty wordplay here... usually... sometimes...

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a "Tootsie Pop"? Signed, needs a drink

A: I see that they released you... good boy, nice boy, sit... roll over!!

Q: If you have 38DD boobs, is it ok to go out in public wearing spandex, looking like a milk cow? Signed, Not Me

A:  If someone else  want to commit what 99% of the population think is a fashion crime then I think that 99% of the population should mind their own business...  Fitting into a group by acting or dressing like that group is a personal choice. And if someone want to be a free spirit then I wish them well and will lookout for them as they change the world.

Q: Uh, Ms. M...I Am This Boy Who's Neighbor Always Shoos Me Away, And He Tends To Yell A lot.. But His Wife Makes Good Cookies! How Can I Stay All Day With Him, Yet Not Enrage Him? - Signed, Dennis "The Menace"

A: 1st, don't start all of your words with caps! 2nd, don't start all of your words with caps. 3rd, one way to get someone to like you, is to like them. So if there is no way that you could even pretend to be interested in what Mr. Cookies is doing then your going to have to get your cookies elsewhere...

Q: If you were a rather fat or chunky baby is it likely that you'll grow up to be thin or slender?  Signed, My Furby bit me

A: Dear Bitten, I just read an article that stated that stored fat was due to people's inability to express power in their life. So work to achieve your goals, and roll with the punches. Then you'll need less comfort food and grow up to be whatever you want to be. That is if your talking about yourself.

Q: I cant get over Alicia Silverstone? Help Me!! Signed, Mortal Remainz

A: Assuming that the restraining order is already in effect, I suggest that you spend at least eight hours a day surfing the web looking for jpeg's of fish.  It's not in the etiquette books yet, but there are current studies that support this approach....

Q: y do you say thank you? Signed, Mystery spotter

A: Because I love ya man!!! It's - I believe - the way you type... The brevity of your keystrokes just keeps me on edge.  Not everybody can do what you do with the English language.  That's why I say with enthusiasm thank you...

Q: Dear Ms. Manners, Suppose you are standing in the checkout line and the lady checking your groceries out has this huge purplish looking mass on her face. Should I make eye contact or just keep my eye on the grocery items steadily passing?  Signed, Torn between staring.

A: An actual question on etiquette... Ms. Manners head is stunned and spins around three times and then my eyes fall out and roll under his 'puter desk.  Blindly I grasps the keyboard and perfectly touch types "as long as you don't stare, you'll be golden!"

Q: Dear Ms. Manners, i like this shy guy who i've known for 6 years. i've asked him out a few times but he always says he's busy. his mom told me he likes me and that he wishes he wasn't so busy all the time. his mom told him that he should just go ask me out. he hasn't. how do i get this shy guy to ask me out? from: wrapped up in a shy guy.

A: Step one: I recommend 2 aspirin, excuse me while I go get them... Step two: Find out what he is doing with his time and if you like it, ask to do it with him.

Q: Ms. Manners, What is a good way to ask my parents for a lot of money? Signed, Broke in Florida

A: Just ask politely, never con your parents.  That way you can keep on asking. Once you con them they might cut you off.  If that doesn't work you could always get a job, I heard the economy is good right now.

Q: I really like this boy at school, what should I do? Signed, Your lovingly daughter

A: Through the infinity of time that has brought us here today, now, surfing the web, think of all that had to happen.  So keep everything in perspective and have try to fun while your in school.  Assuming that he's normal just tell him that you like him.  And if he turns out to be a smuck at least you'll know to move on...

Q: What should I do about this girl at work that wears her clothes two sizes too small. Signed, I'm not looking

A: I would recommend that you keep your nose out of her business.

Q: What's the proper etiquette to pick at ones underwear when out in public? Signed, sticky

A: The side step maneuver is the only safe way, it takes practice but can be mastered. It involves looking backward while taking a long step.  The look back acts as a classic misdirection, allowing the long step to free up any stuckage.

Q: Should a man pick up a woman at a truck stop?   Signed, just passing through

A: Only if you can safely lift her...

Q: What is a polite way to ask someone out? Signed, Jodie in Chicago

A: Different stokes for different folks... There is no one way to do it, your best bet is to be yourself and don't say "pull my finger to see what your in for".

Q: Why do u think u r Ms. Manners??  Signed, Miss Manners

A: I see that you finally got a spell checker. What I wonder is why you're Miss Manners?

Q: what do you do if you fart in with a big crowd of people? Signed, Hugh U Lookinat

A: easy one... glare accusingly at the person next to you.

Q: Is it ok to lick your dates ear on the first date? Signed, fast forward

A: If she barks and licks her butt,,, go for it


A: Is your caps lock key stuck or are you just flying newbie colors? And that's such a shame, it was a good question... (in other words, write your own paper...)

Q: What is the proper response time to send a thank you?????  I have noticed recently that several gifts we have given for baby showers and weddings were never acknowledged with a thank-you note.  Even if the person says thank-you in person isn't it still good manners to respond with a thank-you???  Let me know your
thoughts please!  THANKS!!!!! Signed, perceived

A: Yes, that's still good manners, however, it's a different world and manners are now relative.  So as long as someone was worth a gift, smile and embrace the time that we have left in this life.  As long as nobody's sticking their butt in your face, life is good.

 Q:  I wish to know how I can impress a lady through charm and how I properly address my feelings for her? thank you, Signed mesmerized

A: You sound like you don't need any help. But then again you asked me a question, which puts that theory in question...

Q: When sending an anonymous note to the loved-ones of my kidnapping victim, should I sign the note "Sincerely Yours", "Truly Yours" or "Warm Regards"? Signed, Psychotic, but not without style and grace in in England

A: This is clearly a trick question, you don't sign ransom notes...

Q: Are you insane? signed, committed in California.

A: 3 out of 5 analysts recommend me to fellow analysts.

Q: Is it proper to stop at Wendy's when your driving a hearse when there's a body in the back?  - Mortified

A: I recommend that you go bungee jumping, attach the cord to your underwear and give yourself a world record as the first person to die of a wedgie.

Q: How far is to far?  How much is too much, and how drunk is too drunk? - enquiring minds want to know

A:  When the police are carrying you away is always a good clue. Unfortunately, even then some people still don't learn.

Q: Ms. Manners, I am in love but the object of my affection has a very nosy family. How do I give them the 411 to back off and quit refereeing our lives? - Constipated in Guam

A: When your with them take a close look.  These people may be a part of your life for many decades to come.  So be upfront about your concerns and stand your
ground.  On the other hand we may be talking about free baby sitters.  So measure you options carefully.

Q: My grandmother always told me "the best way to keep a house clean is to stay out of it". I've now enforced this theory on my room mate and wont let him in the house. Why is this causing problems?  - Marvin the Martian
A:  I have a feeling your grandmother was actually trying to tell you something... You think?

Q: What is the proper way to break up with someone? - lost

A:  "I just want to be friends" is the universal signal.  If the "f" word doesn't work you might want to try the "It's me, not you" speech...  Of course there's always honestly explaining the problem to help the other person -and you- to grow emotionally.  Which of course would probably make that person a true friend as opposed to saying you just want to be friends and blowing the person off.  Not that I've ever heard the "friends" speech and am bitter about that sob that never gave it to me.

Q: Dear Ms. Manners, What IS the proper way to handle a dillusinal EX-wife?  - Reading Between the Lines in NC.

A: Would that be disillusioned, delusional, disgruntled, disappointed, frustrated with your spelling, semantics, syntax, pragmatics???  Sorry that I had to be hard nosed with you, I'm just so disinterened.

Q: Ms. Manners, you have such a quick wit and good sense of humor. Could you tell me where can get some too?  Does it come in a box or can? Clueless in

A: For only 19.95 I will send you the guide "Writing in the Can" you'll just have to wait till I get it written.  It will be sent in a box, if I can't find a can.

Q: Dear Ms. Manners, if you don't wear under-garments to an executive business meeting, should you notify your co-workers? - Gowen Commando from Nopants, England

A: Could be a fun game? On the other hand it could end civilization as we know it.

Q: When you hate the person sitting in front of you on the bus, what is the most polite way to beat the crap out of them? - ninja master

A: I suggest letting the person hit you about the body until their arm is sore. If your lucky maybe they'll even scratch their knuckles...

Q: When talking to someone, if they are rambling, and you really have to sneeze, what is the proper cop-out? - Itchy Nose

A:  If "excuse me I have to sneeze" doesn't suit you, you could try watching South Park and focus on Cartman. And the next time your in a pinch just say to yourself "what would Cartman do?"

Q: What is the proper response when someone gives you a used tissue after you've asked for one (and you really have to blow your nose)? -- - Congested Charlie from Hell, Michigan  

A: Why would you ask for a used tissue?

Q: When visiting a friend's house, if their dog jumps on you (and you really hate dogs), is it okay to beat the dog until it doesn't move anymore? -- - Dog Hater

A: The abuse of animals is now found to be a precursor to serious types of abuse issues. If you or anyone finds that they want to or have abused animals then help is available, please seek it out..

Q: Dear Ms Manners, My boyfriend and I have had several recent arguments. Please let me know your feelings on tone and deliverance (as in when you are speaking to a person). Also give me your advice about cherishing your mate. Thanks. - Reading between the lines in NC

A: Finding someone to argue with passionately without turning it into a quarrel is unfortunately rare. So it does help to set rules of engagement and keeping the tone respectful is an important part of the rules. Helping the other person define their premises (if needed) and being empathic is also important. A good
strategy to employ in an argument is to focus on the premises instead of the conclusion. If you can argue with him and keep it civil that is definitely a way of cherishing him

Q: Is it ok to play with my rubber chicken in public? And also, do you enjoy pants? - Hello, my name's Bob

A:  Take twelve steps back and try again.

Q: What is the appropriate etiquette when one is addressing a room full of hermaphrodites. Does one say "G'd evening you pack of luscious Herms!" or how about "How's the scene on the ambiguous genital front?" or should one simply say "Wow!"? - Strapless in St Paul

A: Hello works for me, but I like your greetings too...

Q: If my husband smells like a piece of Blue Cheese, and I try all I can to make it go away. But it doesn't work. Hoping you know - shut off

A: Smells are a strong influence on our existence, so tell your husband "way to go" (I love blue cheese).

Q: Are your manners really all that good? Then again Ms. Manners could imply good or bad, could they not? So? Which is it, huh huh? Oink, I gotta get me a life... - Lifeless in Kangarooland

A: You got me, in my house when I'm alone my manners are an exploration of the dark side. One of the worst aspects of  manners is that we generally save our worst manners for our closest friends and family. So armed with that knowledge what can be done to change how we act in front of the people that are closest to us? Just knowing that we may be saving our best behavior for strangers is the first step. The second step is to remember, answering a question with a fart is only funny the first time you do it.

Q: Dear Ms Manners, If I'm invited to a party at the White House on Easter Sunday and I don't believe in the Easter should I react if the fly that's sitting on top of the Thanksgiving Turkey that was left out accidentally last year ends up flying up my left nostril and gets stuck? Need an answer quick please.
It itches. - Tsetse

A: I think that I just lost my mind 'cause that actually made sense.

Q: What does a woman say when a man asks her why she's divorced or what's a nice girl like you doing unmarried? - negotiating for revelation

A: Most of communication is non-verbal and you need to be aware of what else is being revealed when this is being asked. It sounds like he might be hitting on you. So you may need to communicate your feelings about what level of interaction you wish to engage in with this person.  Or, if your sure they are just being rudely curious, you can refer them to your favorite website and tell them to "mind your own business" (dot com).

Q: is a pickle a fruit or a vegetable? - me

A: This question has so many sexual overtones, I'm apprehensive to touch it without protection.  So I'll refer to Freud and say that sometimes a pickle is just a pickle.

Q: If you have 3 identical containers of different things, why will you always grab the one you need last? signed, looking for validity

A: This brings to mind the question of freedom, can it even exist? As much as we yell free speech it's anything but free. Are we all trapped in an existence that has so many boundaries that free will is an illusion? And as far as the three containers go, do any of them contain what any of us really need?

Q: Do you think I am sexy? - Yours truly

A: I tend to like "With Kind Regards," or "Sincerely Yours" but "Yours truly" is cool too.

Q: Why do they call the "kissing disease" "Mono"? Do you get it by kissing yourself? - Yours truly

A: That would give narcissism a negative connotation, and we all know that that's not true.

Q: 1) Why is it that women always think they're right?
2) When eating shrimp cocktail, is it acceptable to put the tails back on the serving plate?
3) When eating prepared salads from a bag, is it acceptable to not use a plate and instead use the bag like a horses feed bag?  signed, alias silverbuzzard

A: They usually are, no, and wow???

Q: Why does a good song always come on the radio right when I am getting out of the car, but it's all crap the rest of the time? - Cajun Queen

A: I think that you need a new car???

Q: If landing on the moon was soooo important...why don't they do it more often? - looking for a good day out.

A: That time was called Camelot and dreams were within the realm of possibility.  In hindsight it was all a lie.

Q: Dear Ms Manners: Why is it when I am clearly waiting to make a turn into traffic the car in the intersection to my left will not signal when making a right turn, which would clearly give me the OK to turn into traffic. - tired of waiting

A: Now is as good as a time to explore all the small things that bother us. The small annoyances should not bother us - but they do. And unfortunately they build into stress that can result into outbursts, road rage and other detrimental manifestations. So the answer is not to try and manipulate others (which is beyond our
control) but ourselves. So take a deep breath and relax, and develop a strategy of responding to those annoyances peacefully with the knowledge that your helping yourself.

Q: Which is better Wal-Mart or K-Mart? - priceless

A: Well, Wal-Mart starts with a W, but K-Marts got that big K.


Q: What if you like someone, but they don't like you????? - seeking

A: Quick answer: Their loss... Long answer: One thing that everybody can do is try to be the best that they can. And along the way we will stumble and that's normal. But don't let anything or anyone keep you down, the only time we fail is when we quit trying (unless your trying to be eight foot tall, etc.) The road to a positive relationship is to set realistic expectations and understand that no person is perfect.  Men and women usually have different expectations out of a relationship, men tend to be succinct, whereas, women like longer discussions (Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus). So, before you send a hit man to cap this personage think it over, and thank you for an excellent question....

Q: Gossip is rampant in my office, what should I do - indifferent

A: I personally use gossip to gauge the duckability factor.

One affair in process = duck only when a gun is seen

Two affairs = duck at loud noises

Two affairs and a nasty divorce = duck at noises and keep a low profile

More than above = Vacation time....

Q: Do you know Ann Landers? - Mr. Urbanity

A: Is she the looker down at "Top Hats, Girls Girls Girls"?

Q: How fat is TO fat? - Mr. Cadaverous

A: Beauty is relative and different in different cultures. So the answer is if it's to a point of being unhealthy than a modified diet and exercise is in order. Either that or the family pets keep disappearing.

Q: I am a male Purchasing Manager with a female Sales Rep that does business with me. Is it appropriate for me to accept her business-related invitation to dinner?; We are both married (to other people) & I fear my acceptance might give her the wrong idea.... - Mr. Chicken

A: Business is picking up??? In this age of complexity there are a lot of possibilities, but I would say take your wife to the dinner. And since it's on the salespersons dime I recommend the steak and lobster at "Chez Exorbitant". 

Q: How and why did the tradition start that men should not wear a hat inside a building; and why does this "rule" not apply to women? - Harry Yamulke in Michigan

A: This is the most requested question... Why is that??? Ms. Manner is in a tailspin, hats everywhere I look, hats hats and an occasional toenail.

Q: Where did the custom of removing your hat when entering a room originate? - A little off the top

A: Another hat question... double yea... I'll put in a request at the historical department of our mega-site and as soon as I get an answer I'll post it.

Q: Dear Ms Manners, I am a guy who will get married next week. I am mortally afraid that I might fart in the presence of my wife during our first night. What do I say to her if this happens ? Regards, malluthedog, India

A: Oh boy, another fart question... yea... OK what I recommend is that if you let one slip, you steer the conversation to your rectum. You know say something like that darn rectum of mine. Then when she's staring at you wide eyed in disbelief say "rectum... damn near killed them".

Q: Why do I piss off people so often? - the hole in Idaho

A: Maybe your a jerk???

Q: Why do I ..... never know what to ask ?? - Sweet Lake city inhabitant

A: The two most popular theories are shyness and being a low communicator. Shyness implies wariness of your environment and being a low communicator means that you naturally communicate less often. Branding a child as shy when they are a low communicator is adding insult where no injury exists. Shyness on the other hand can be dealt with by external and internal means. Externally you can seek support and internally you can force yourself to be more verbal, say by joining groups that you will do good in. If your athletic go for sports and if your interests lie elsewhere follow them. And the most important thing is to be true to yourself... Either that or I misunderstood the question and what the hell I had fun with giving this answer.

Q: What is the meaning of life? - coolness under fire

A: Keeping your butt out of other peoples face, unless they request it...

Q: Is it your contention that we should never ask for sex? - what did you say?

A: It great to ask for sex, just never to expect it.

Q: Should I go out with Jodie Fernandez? - springs in the air

A: If when you think about Jodie you feel good then, ask.

Q: Ms manners is it true that it is rude to put ur elebow on the table at dinner? it true that u cant fatr in front of ppl ?  or pick ur butt? - erudite

A: As best I can make out - I would recommend that you don't use the tablecloth to wipe ur mouth.

Q: How do I arrange it so everybody thinks I'm at least partially insane? - heinous

A: Just a guess, but I think if you keep acting normal???

Q: What exactly is Victoria's Secret? - a little redundant

A: That advertising agencies make a lot of money for what appears to be very little work

Q: Should the man pay for dinner?? - no, I'm not cheap!

A: Oh yeah, you'll pay... Seriously, if you asked her out, you should pay. Of course you can ask her to pay but make sure that you make that clear before you get
to the restaurant. If she asks you out she should pay, that's the rule, I don't make this stuff up...

Q: When sweat runs down your nose, should you wipe it off carefully, or flick it off with your finger? - sleeveless

A: Do all of us a favor and flick it, a brick works best for this.

Q: If your on a date and some bozo cuts you off with his car should you flick him the finger, or just let it go without a comment? - curious

A: Let it go. Write off your lack of a reaction as a random act of kindness.

Q: Is it polite to yawn in front of your date, or should you try to suppress it? - separate checks please

A: Never suppress your urges like yawning, passing gas, or belching.  And what was your dates name and address???

Q: When finished with a banana, what should one do with the peel? - lost and befuddled

A: The peel is the most nutritious part, just like the skin on the potato. Soon it will come in fashion to eat the peels so beat the trend and start now....

Q: Should I trim the hair on my ears, or let it grow? Would this be a turn on to a woman, or not. (leaving the ear hair?) - wolfy

A: Ms. Manners says to let it grow and braid it, then you can moose it into shapes. Then send me all your silverware, because you obviously don't use it...

Q: Can I pick my nose in the car when I drive? - dazed 'n carfused

A: As long as you have a finger you "can", and don't even think of asking "may I".

Q: Should you open the door of a car for your wife? - trepidated in Toyota

A: Depends on the personality of you and your wife, and if it's your car...

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