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Q: Another love question to bore you: I've been Best friends with a guy for almost a year. I don't know whether to ask him out and risk losing his friendship, or to just stay friends. I really want to go out with him because he's really nice, but I'm the girl, and it's hard for me to ask. Any ideas? - Unrequited in Ottawa

A: Just be yourself, and ask. If he's thinking of you in a romantic way it won't matter who asks. And as far as losing him as a friend, I would still take the risk.  Losing a friend is bad, losing a love is a tragedy.

Q: Is it proper to stop at Wendy's when your driving a hearse when there's a body in the back?  - Mortified

A: I recommend that you go bungee jumping, attach the cord to your underwear and give yourself a world record as the first person to die of a wedgie.

Q: Dear Mister Manners, I have a very hairy back, thick and dark brown. I am INCREDIBLY self conscious about it. My girlfriend of two weeks is showing signs of wanting to progress if you know what I mean. . . How do I show her my furry back with out her bolting from my truck screaming "wolfman" Please answer me soon, I don't think she'll believe the "hard to get" act much longer. - King KONG

A: Shall I wax poetic, or just be plucky. Unfortunately we live in a society where to much emphasis is placed on looks  and not enough on content.  But in this instance I think you'll be ok, just don't lick her leg and bark...


Q: Hey how do I get a guy? - testosterone deficient

A: Usually I get the opposite question, so this is refreshing. I recommend that if your looking for a new outlet of options then try a respectable dating service.  I realize that to do this right takes money but it does save a lot of time, and a lot of heartache. If your on a budget than try asking your friends if they know of someone. If nothing else you'll find out what your friend think of you by who they recommend.


Q: How far is to far? How much is too much, and how drunk is too drunk? - enquiring minds want to know

A: When the police are carrying you away is always a good clue. Unfortunately, even then some people still don't learn.


Q: Mr. Manners, I am in love but the object of my affection has a very nosy family. How do I give them the 411 to back off and quit refereeing our lives? - Constipated in Guam

A: When your with them take a close look.  These people may be a part of your life for many decades to come.  So be upfront about your concerns and stand your ground.  On the other hand we may be talking about free baby sitters.  So measure you options carefully.


Q: My grandmother always told me "the best way to keep a house clean is to stay out of it". I've now enforced this theory on my room mate and wont let him in the house. Why is this causing problems?  - Marvin the Martian

A:  I have a feeling your grandmother was actually trying to tell you something... You think?

Q: What is the proper way to break up with someone? - lost

A:  "I just want to be friends" is the universal signal.  If the "f" word doesn't work you might want to try the "It's me, not you" speech...  Of course there's always honestly explaining the problem to help the other person -and you- to grow emotionally.  Which of course would probably make that person a true friend as opposed to saying you just want to be friends and blowing the person off.  Not that I've ever heard the "friends" speech and am bitter about that sob that never gave it to me.


Q: Dear Mr. Manners, What IS the proper way to handle a dillusinal EX-wife?  - Reading Between the Lines in NC.

A: Would that be disillusioned, delusional, disgruntled, disappointed, frustrated with your spelling, semantics, syntax, pragmatics???  Sorry that I had to be hard nosed with you, I'm just so disinterened.


Q: Mr. Manners, you have such a quick wit and good sense of humor. Could you tell me where can get some too? Does it come in a box or can? Clueless in Laughteria

A: For only 19.95 I will send you the guide "Writing in the Can" you'll just have to wait till I get it written.  It will be sent in a box, if I can't find a can.


Q:  Mr. Manners. I have a problem. I have fallen in love with the most wonderful man on the face of this earth. He treats me well, he is good with kids and he will take care of me. the problem is this: We are both married to other people. We each know how the other feels but have not acted on them. If we leave our respected spouses it would kill them. What can I do? - Sincerely, Very confused

A:  Say "There's no place like home" three times and click your heels together. If that doesn't work you might want to find a marriage counselor. Just a suggestion...


Q: Dear Mr. Manners, How long should two people be dating before it's acceptable to squeeze the pimples on their back? - Reading Between the Lines in NC

A: That would be one of the major secrets of the Mr. Manners X-files.  So I will have to answer you in code "973-6feep#yanga53;fv722**34ohyeababe2".  I hope this helps.


Q: Dear Mr. Manners I have a problem with my neighbor. Ever weekend, he cleans his yard and throws the dog crap and grass clippings over the wall into my yard. I've called the police, and they arrested him twice, but he still does it. I'm losing patience. What should I do? In this situation, is it okay to break his windows and throw the dog crap into his house? - unintimidating

A:  No, if you want to answer his irrational behavior with irrational behavior don't get yourself thrown in jail.  Try wearing one of those shirts that say "kill them all and let God sort them out", then put NRA stickers all over the outside of your house.  Then get a huge tattoo that says "death before dishonor" and get a mohawk.  If that doesn't work buy one of those government surplus cannons and point it at his house...


Q: Dear Mr. Manners, if you don't wear under-garments to an executive business meeting, should you notify your co-workers? - Gowen Commando from Nopants, England

A: Could be a fun game? On the other hand it could end civilization as we know it.


Q: When you hate the person sitting in front of you on the bus, what is the most polite way to beat the crap out of them? - ninja master

A: I suggest letting the person hit you about the body until their arm is sore. If your lucky maybe they'll even scratch their knuckles...


Q: When talking to someone, if they are rambling, and you really have to sneeze, what is the proper cop-out? - Itchy Nose

A:  If "excuse me I have to sneeze" doesn't suit you, you could try watching South Park and focus on Cartman. And the next time your in a pinch just say to yourself "what would Cartman do?"


Q: I have a problem with my roommate Yanni. Every time he gets up off the couch or out of my car I get a MAJOR eyeful of his HAIRY greek butt. I am really NOT interested in ever seeing it again. . .I wasn't ever interested in seeing it. How does one tactfully tell their hairy pig roommate to hike up their pants or expect me to puke down their furry butt crack? - ~Kyle live at the Acropolis

A:& If telling him that your going to "puke down their furry butt crack" doesn't do it, then it might be time to think about moving.


Q: What is the proper response when someone gives you a used tissue after you've asked for one (and you really have to blow your nose)? -- - Congested Charlie from Hell, Michigan

A: Why would you ask for a used tissue?


Q: When visiting a friend's house, if their dog jumps on you (and you really hate dogs), is it okay to beat the dog until it doesn't move anymore? -- - Dog Hater

A: The abuse of animals is now found to be a precursor to serious types of abuse issues. If you or anyone finds that they want to or have abused animals then help is available, please seek it out..


Q: Dear Mr. Manners, If your step child visits on the weekend and tracks mud through your living room and dining room on your brand new carpet is it appropriate to beat the crap out of him, his Dad, or both? (Dad's response," It's just carpet...") - Reading between the lines in NC.

A: I suggest an anger management course for you... The first lesson would be something like "every time you feel like slapping someone take a mirror and see how you appear". Next, give the step child some cleaning implements and tell him to start cleaning. Then kiss the Dad, cause he sounds like a winner...


Q: Dear Mr. Manners, My boyfriend and I have had several recent arguments. Please let me know your feelings on tone and deliverance (as in when you are speaking to a person). Also give me your advice about cherishing your mate. Thanks. - Reading between the lines in NC

A: Finding someone to argue with passionately without turning it into a quarrel is unfortunately rare. So it does help to set rules of engagement and keeping the tone respectful is an important part of the rules. Helping the other person define their premises (if needed) and being empathic is also important. A good strategy to employ in an argument is to focus on the premises instead of the conclusion. If you can argue with him and keep it civil that is definitely a way of cherishing him


Q: If you leave a condom in your wallet long enough can it create holes in it?? If so how long does it take to make the holes?? - BJ

A: Everything deteriorates and a condom is something that I would not take chances with. There are places that will give out free condoms. Our local health center will, and oddly enough they have their facility in a building that they bought from an order of nuns.


Q: Is it ok to play with my rubber chicken in public? And also, do you enjoy pants? - Hello, my name's Bob

A:  Take twelve steps back and try again.


Q: What is the appropriate etiquette when one is addressing a room full of hermaphrodites. Does one say "G'd evening you pack of luscious Herms!" or how about "How's the scene on the ambiguous genital front?" or should one simply say "Wow!"? - Strapless in St Paul

A: Hello works for me, but I like your greetings too...


Q: If my husband smells like a piece of Blue Cheese, and I try all I can to make it go away. But it doesn't work. Hoping you know - shut off

A: Smells are a strong influence on our existence, so tell your husband "way to go" (I love blue cheese).


Q: Are your manners really all that good? Then again Mr. Manners could imply good or bad, could they not? So? Which is it, huh huh? Oink, I gotta get me a life... - Lifeless in Kangarooland

A: You got me, in my house when I'm alone my manners are an exploration of the dark side. One of the worst aspects of manners is that we generally save our worst manners for our closest friends and family. So armed with that knowledge what can be done to change how we act in front of the people that are closest to us? Just knowing that we may be saving our best behavior for strangers is the first step. The second step is to remember, answering a question with a fart is only funny the first time you do it.


Q: Dear Mr. Manners, If I'm invited to a party at the White House on Easter Sunday and I don't believe in the Easter Bunny...how should I react if the fly that's sitting on top of the Thanksgiving Turkey that was left out accidentally last year ends up flying up my left nostril and gets stuck? Need an answer quick please. It itches. - Tsetse

A: I think that I just lost my mind 'cause that actually made sense.


Q:What does a woman say when a man asks her why she's divorced or what's a nice girl like you doing unmarried? - negotiating for revelation

A: Most of communication is non-verbal and you need to be aware of what else is being revealed when this is being asked. It sounds like he might be hitting on you. So you may need to communicate your feelings about what level of interaction you wish to engage in with this person.
Or, if your sure they are just being rudely curious, you can refer them to your favorite website and tell them to "mind your own business" (dot com).


Q: is a pickle a fruit or a vegetable? - me

A: This question has so many sexual overtones, I'm apprehensive to touch it without protection. So I'll refer to Freud and say that sometimes a pickle is just a pickle.


Q: If you have 3 identical containers of different things, why will you always grab the one you need last? signed, looking for validity

A: This brings to mind the question of freedom, can it even exist? As much as we yell free speech it's anything but free. Are we all trapped in an existence that has so many boundaries that free will is an illusion? And as far as the three containers go, do any of them contain what any of us really need?


Q: Do you think I am sexy? - Yours truly

A: I tend to like......!?! Are you a woman???


Q: Why do they call the "kissing disease" "Mono"? Do you get it by kissing yourself? - Yours truly

A: That would give narcissism a negative connotation, and we all know that that's not true.



A: You obviously feel very strongly about this... So, what I see is that either your wondering why incarcerated men have poor social skills. Or, you work in an office and feel incarcerated by the rudeness that surrounds you in your world. So let answer this this way. Reality is 99% perception and if you see the world as crass and unbecoming, it will appear that way. And since many developmental theorists say that personalities remain stable throughout our life span, changing your views of the world is hard to do. But it's possible. So Mr. Manners recommends that you take a deep breath, relax and get your caps lock key fixed.

She asks a follow up question Q: Is it appropriate for a friend (male) to come to my office for lunch, wash his hands and then wipe them dry on my curtains?? - Incarcerated strong willed woman

A: The symbolism that I see working here with the rude behavior is that he's trying to be dominant "the alpha".  So you could go to his level and challenge him to a farting contest and the loser has to clean up after lunch. Or, since you just asked if it was appropriate I would have to say "no".


Q: 1) Why is it that women always think they're right?

2) When eating shrimp cocktail, is it acceptable to put the tails back on the serving plate?

3) When eating prepared salads from a bag, is it acceptable to not use a plate and instead use the bag like a horses feed bag? signed, alias silverbuzzard

A: They usually are, no, and wow???


Q: Why does a good song always come on the radio right when I am getting out of the car, but it's all crap the rest of the time? - Cajun Queen

A: I think that you need a new car???


Q: If landing on the moon was soooo important...why don't they do it more often? - looking for a good day out.

A: The time was Camelot and dreams were within the realm of possibility. Plus, the USA was out to kick Russia's posterior. Can you say Sputnik?


Q: what comes first a chicken or an egg??? (red rooster in Sydney)

A: Did you shallow the worm that comes at the bottom of that bottle? Yeeee ha...


Q: Dear Mr. Manners: Why is it when I am clearly waiting to make a turn into traffic the car in the intersection to my left will not signal when making a right turn, which would clearly give me the OK to turn into traffic. - tired of waiting

A: Now is as good as a time to explore all the small things that bother us. The small annoyances should not bother us - but they do. And unfortunately they build into stress that can result into outbursts, roadrage and other detrimental manifestations. So the answer is not to try and manipulate others (which is beyond our control) but ourselves. So take a deep breath and relax, and develop a strategy of responding to those annoyances peacefully with the knowledge that your helping yourself.
And carry a cellphone, with 911 on speed dial, to deal with those that can't respond peacefully to those annoyances on the road. Cool question, thanks.


Q: Which is better Wal-Mart or K-Mart? - priceless

A: Well, Wal-Mart starts with a W, but K-Marts got that big K.


Q: What if you like someone, but they don't like you????? - seeking

A: Quick answer: Their loss... Long answer: One thing that everybody can do is try to be the best that they can. And along the way we will stumble and that's normal. But don't let anything or anyone keep you down, the only time we fail is when we quit trying (unless your trying to be eight foot tall, etc.)
The road to a positive relationship is to set realistic expectations and understand that no person is perfect.  Men and women usually have different expectations out of a relationship, men tend to be succinct, whereas, women like longer discussions (Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus). So, before you send a hit man to cap this personage think it over, and thank you for an excellent question....


Q: Gossip is rampant in my office, what should I do - indifferent

A: I personally use gossip to gauge the duckability factor.
One affair in process = duck only when a gun is seen
Two affairs = duck at loud noises
Two affairs and a nasty divorce = duck at noises and keep a low profile
More than above = Vacation time....


Q: Do you know Ann Landers? - Mr. Urbanity

A: Is she the looker down at "Top Hats, Girls Girls Girls"?


Q: How fat is TO fat? - Mr. Cadaverous

A: Beauty is relative and different in different cultures. So the answer is if it's to a point of being unhealthy than a modified diet and exercise is in order. Either that or the family pets keep disappearing.


Q: I am a male Purchasing Manager with a female Sales Rep that does business with me. Is it appropriate for me to accept her business-related invitation to dinner?; We are both married (to other people) & I fear my acceptance might give her the wrong idea.... - Mr. Chicken

A: Business is picking up??? In this age of complexity there are a lot of possibilities, but I would say take your wife to the dinner. And since it's on the salespersons dime I recommend the steak and lobster at "Chez Exorbitant". 


Q: How and why did the tradition start that men should not wear a hat inside a building; and why does this "rule" not apply to women? - Harry Yamulke in Michigan

A: This is the most requested question... Why is that??? Mr. Manner is in a tailspin, hats everywhere I look, hats hats and an occasional toenail.


Q: Where did the custom of removing your hat when entering a room originate? - A little off the top

A: Another hat question... double yea... I'll put in a request at the historical department of our mega-site and as soon as I get an answer I'll post it.


Q: Dear Mr. Manners, I am a guy who will get married next week. I am mortally afraid that I might fart in the presence of my wife during our first night. What do I say to her if this happens ? Regards, malluthedog, India

A: Oh boy, another fart question... yea... OK what I recommend is that if you let one slip, you steer the conversation to your rectum. You know say something like that darn rectum of mine. Then when she's staring at you wide eyed in disbelief say "rectum... damn near killed them".


Q: Why do I piss off people so often? - the hole in Idaho

A: Maybe your a jerk???


Q: Why do I ..... never know what to ask ?? - Sweet Lake city inhabitant

A: The two most popular theories are shyness and being a low communicator. Shyness implies wariness of your environment and being a low communicator means that you naturally communicate less often. Branding a child as shy when they are a low communicator is adding insult where no injury exists. Shyness on the other hand can be dealt with by external and internal means. Externally you can seek support and internally you can force yourself to be more verbal, say by joining groups that you will do good in. If your athletic go for sports and if your interests lie elsewhere follow them. And the most important thing is to be true to yourself...
Either that or I misunderstood the question and what the hell I had fun with giving this answer.


Q: What is the meaning of life? - coolness under fire

A: Keeping your butt out of other peoples face, unless they request it...


Q: Is it your contention that we should never ask for sex? - what did you say?

A: It great to ask for sex, just never to expect it.


Q: Should I go out with Jodie Fernandez? - springs in the air

A: If when you think about Jodie you feel good then, ask.


Q: When you pay for dinner and act very politely you expect a girl to put out and the girl usually knows this. If she knows and still does not come on to you, is it all right to ask her to put out. Shameless in Maine

A: No, slap yourself silly, next question.


Q: Mr. manners is it true that it is rude to put ur elebow on the table at dinner?.....is it true that u cant fatr in front of ppl ? or pick ur butt? - erudite

A: As best I can make out - I would recommend that you don't use the tablecloth to wipe ur mouth.


Q: Where did the idea originate that men should take there hat off before entering a building. - Mr. diplomatic

A: Besides you showing your age, let me tell you how much I love this question. Let me endeavor to answer this to the utmost... right after I finish scratching (scratching is very important). Ohhh, eye booger, gotta get it out, excuse me... Oooops, out of time.


Q: How do I arrange it so everybody thinks I'm at least partially insane? - heinous

A: Just a guess, but I think if you keep acting normal???


Q: I have a girlfriend with lots of hair under her armpits and on her arms. Her birthday is coming up so I don't know if I should buy her diamond ring or a rake to comb her arms. Buy any chance do you know where I can buy any insanely large combs to brush her arm hair. - my woman is a wolf in Seattle

A: She's a lucky woman. However, diamond are for the most part a waste of resources (It's a rock... ), so go out and get yourself a large screen TV for being so sensitive.


Q: What exactly is Victoria's Secret? - a little redundant

A: I heard that it was that she was a slut, but the truth is that she's actually very very rich...


Q: Why? - inquisitor

A: Why not?


Q: Should the man pay for dinner?? - no, I'm not cheap!

A: Oh yeah, you'll pay... Seriously, if you asked her out, you should pay. Of course you can ask her to pay but make sure that you make that clear before you get to the restaurant. If she asks you out she should pay, that's the rule, I don't make this stuff up...


Q: When sweat runs down your nose, should you wipe it off carefully, or flick it off with your finger? - sleeveless

A: Do all of us a favor and flick it, a brick works best for this.


Q: Please Mr. Manners, My family and I have racked our brains to find the answer to this most puzzling question. I'm sure you have heard the saying "mind your P's and Q's". My question is, what does the P and Q represent? All I could come up with is Perqs and Quirks. Your input would be highly appreciated by all. Stumped in Utah

A: P stands for pints and Q stands for quarts, and when you where drinking it was important to mind your P's and Q's. Oddly enough not from the viewpoint of being too drunk but to keep the barkeeper honest.
The next questions is obviously "what the hell are Perqs and Quirks"???


Q: If your on a date and some bozo cuts you off with his car should you flick him the finger, or just let it go without a comment? - curious

A: Let it go, unless your willing to take a bullet it's not worth it. Write off your reaction as a random act of kindness, on the other hand if you see this car later, parked, unattended......


Q: Is it polite to yawn in front of your date, or should you try to suppress it? - separate checks please

A: Never suppress your urges like yawning, passing gas, or belching.  And what was your dates name and address???


Q: When finished with a banana, what should one do with the peel? - lost and befuddled

A: The peel is the most nutritious part, just like the skin on the potato. Soon it will come in fashion to eat the peels so beat the trend and start now....


Q: Should I trim the hair on my ears, or let it grow? Would this be a turn on to a woman, or not. (leaving the ear hair?) - wolfy

A: Mr. Manners says to let it grow and braid it, then you can moose it into shapes. Then send me all your silverware, because you obviously don't use it...


Q: How long should the ideal woman's legs be? MichiGANDER

A: Mr. Manner reaches through the monitor and slaps you ten times....


Q: Can I pick my nose in the car when I drive? - dazed 'n carfused

A: As long as you have a finger you "can", and don't even think of asking "may I".


Q: Should you open the door of a car for your wife? - trepidated in Toyota

A: Depends on the personality of you and your wife, and if it's your car...

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