Mister Manners

Q: I am seriously concerned with the current crumpling cultural climate
A: Nice alliteration, thanks for the effort. I think we should follow the money; who is making the significant money from this
debacle. I suspect it is partly the "for profit" news outlets that were dying saw their profits soar with this train wreck. They sold out and are cashing in. An old famous quote "A capitalist will sell you the rope to hang them with" So to directly address your concern it is necessary to find unbiased news or try to recognize the bias in your favorite news source and filter it out. Begin with the truth and work from there.
Q: If I am seeing the heat wave, should I be wave back? (I Am very exciting to be writing you,)
A: I am very excited to meet you too! You have reaffirmed my belief in gifted life. You have single-handedly taken away any doubt that the human race will triumph and rise to the level it can reach. You have in a moment of jovial wit have reminded me to look both ways before crossing the street.
Q: I have a guy staring at me all the time in class, what should I do?
A:  I think that you should quit teaching?
Q: Why is the word Dictionary in the Dictionary? signed, Lee
A: Obviously to confuse you... Why is psychoanalysis so riddled with flaws? Why didn't Freud get it all right? Because, Freudian psychoanalysis is based on intuition and case studies rather than science. Only when the principles of science were applied to understand abnormal human behavior was there empirical knowledge created. And while Freud said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar I would argue that Plato was right and that the perfect dictionary does exist and all other dictionaries are just approximations of that perfect cigar (or was that dictionary, I got lost..) So in conclusion let me say that Dictionary sounds like a dirty word and should be banned!

Q: Hi, Is it always desirable for a man to hold open the door for a female? Alias: Dabbler.
A: Doesn't matter if male or female - hold the door.
Q: I'm a women and I want to know in which circumstances I have to pay the bill, thank you for answering ... amel from france
A: If you ask the guy out then you should assume that you're paying.  Otherwise, you need to have that made clear in advance.
Q: Is it proper for a mother-in-law to give daughter in law a baby shower or should it be a friend or other relative. Thanks, Tessy
A: That you asked a man that question shows that you really need to ask someone else that question. My specialty is the removal of stuckage ... it's a guy thing
Q: Why is it called a bottom when it is half way up? Signed Ditzy
A: Thanks for making my day... Author.. Author... well done... you ROCK!!!!
Q: Is it impolite to dump a man because the relationship is not working out right after he's just given you an expensive gift and is really just using you for recreation? Signed, Desperate to know
A: no, and keep the gift, unless it was a wedding ring, those get returned.
Q: I recently asked to get my hair highlighted but the lady messed up and DYED it red. I didn't want to be mean so I told her I liked it. Now I desperately need to get it out soon! Signed, TooNice
A: I believe the proper etiquette in this situation would allow you to "skip the tip".
Q: In modern society the media tells teen girls that it's ok to say no.... I don't know the intellect of the 'behind the scenes guy' but what are we supposed to do if this powerful 'no' ceases to work? signed, lost, Australia.
A: There is still alive (at least in USA) a double standard that will allow a girl to say no with more force than a man can. For example: a person stand in front of a judge accused of kicking a person of the opposite sex in the groin. Imagine the accused as a girl, now imagine it was a man. I'm not saying that if "no" doesn't work to knee the jerk in the groin, just to be forceful and clear when saying no. If a guy walks up to a teen girl and says "I find you strangely exciting, could I possible get to know you better" and the girl feels hers knees getting weak. This is the opposite situation, where saying no to yourself may be in the best interest.   The roads are full of skid marks where young women's lives were derailed by this and I can only give this advice.  "One of the hardest things to do is to learn by the mistakes of others, it's also one of the most important"
Q: I really like this guy but how do I get him to ask me out without being to forward? signed, jus do'it
A: There is only one way and that is to be yourself, if for some reason that's not an option then I don't think that asking this guy out is the problem.  (However, you could try some highlights in your hair, guys like that.) One of the problems that this site addresses is freedom, which unfortunately doesn't exclude us as functioning as members of the larger society. In the argument of which is more important "form or function" I will always side with function. However, form is important in the sense that we can tell a persons sense of self-worth and how they see their placement in society by how they dress and comport themselves. So to increase the odds of getting what we would like we can treat "form as a function" and work on presenting ourselves as best we can with the tools we have at hand. And not just outward appearance, inner beauty is more important. Getting someone is not as important as keeping them, and that is a function of your character. So how do we polish our personalities? According to the humanists, we can grow and improve during our entire lifespan. Just as the act of smiling can improve our outlook, the act of being nicer (not naive) will make us a nicer person. Thanks for the question.
Q: My aunt used my lipstick without my permission at my party. Signed, Glossed over
A: I don't think that I would ask for it back.
Q: Is there any one word for " mind your own business " ?Signed querious
A: Fredotastierfect... the ninth amendment... I guess not?
Q: If the Moon had a Sun, should the Skyrocket? "Astro"
A: Wow... just put down the keyboard and walk away, you'll never top that.
Q: How do you tell your in-laws you don't want to see them again? signed, Bummed out in Montana.
A: Show them the divorce decree... When your thinking about marrying someone you need to check out the potential in-laws because you're going to be related to these people. And unless your spouse doesn't want to see them your stuck. The upside is that these are the people that will help bail you out of jail, baby sit, and watch your pet when your on vacation. And I believe that you sound like your ready for a long vacation.
Q: Don't you think it should be against the law to wear light-colored spandex pants if you are more than 10% over your ideal body weight? How can people look in the mirror and go, "Yeah, I look good in these."?????
A: I think that everyone should "Mind Their Own Business." If you got your nose up someone's butt the world is going to stink. Seek your own personal perfection, which is what these people are doing. Sure there are people in this world that could use a cup of reality, but somehow they still manage to breed or they would have faded away along time ago.
Q: Why does a person need to be humble? signed, inquestioner
A: That way when they make a mistake (and we all do) they don't have to eat as much humble pie.
Q: What is politics REALLY all about ?? I mean, are we ALL this gullible or what ? signed, Dr. Benjamin Dover
A: Are you a doctor of love??? Political affairs are a means of splitting the resources that a group of people have. When someone is running for office they want slice the pie according to their beliefs, everything else is window dressing. Which is why we get people with name recognition elected, like actors and wrestlers. Thanks for the question Ben Dover.
Q: Mr.Manners, do you have mannners? Signed, sarcasitca
A: I believe that where you graduated high school they should recommend putting your diploma in the windshield, that way you can legally park in the handicapped spaces
Q: What should you do if you're eating out at a fine restaurant and you want what's on someone else's plate? signed, Hungary isn't just a country in ... that place .... over there... somewhere!
A: It's just like trading properties when you're playing monopoly. You'll have to have something to trade and don't show that you're desperate or they'll jack up the price.
Q: How do you reverse false office gossip about yourself? signed, Falsely Accused in Denver
A: The truth shall set you free! If for some reason the truth isn't working, I have to wonder, maybe you did have sex with that intern....
Q: What is the remedy for gas? signed, detectit
A: Solar energy, if someone has gas they should go out in the sun and let it rip. If for some reason that is not an option then you'll just have to grin and share it. And if you do share it be sure to rate it and draw comparisons to previous efforts. One of the mysteries of the unknown is that there are women who never have gas, just ask them and they will declare proudly "I never have that problem!" I have suspicions about this, but it would explain why some women are so long winded...?
Q: How do you feel about cellphone etiquette? signed, muffled
A: I'm all for it. The problem with progress is that some people seemingly are only one generation from the primate, not everyone is on the same page. There are still some people that eat the decomposing carcasses of slaughtered animals. As the world gets more diverse, diverse it gets.
Q: My wife's distant family is constantly making up "poo poo" about my wife and I. I myself want to kill all of them. What do you suggest? signed, Hating The In Laws in Indianapolis
A: This clearly a case of irrational behavior and there's only one way of dealing with it. Unfortunately, it involves you being more irrational than them. So send them a letter signed by Ed McMahon and in say that to win a million dollars they have to move to Alaska and wait for him to show up. Sweet......
Q: How do I say no to a guy? Signed, Too nice 
A: Some men can be dense so here are the rules. A man gets one chance to ask! So women if a man asks it's not harassment. The second time is allowed for clarification purposes only. The third time a man asks after being shot down twice is stupidity (don't be stupid). The best way to say no is to say no, don't be vague, it will only cause more problems.
Q: I have too much starch in my underwear! Signed, boxed in
A: No, your problem is too much time on your hands
Q: Is it ok to pick up your soup bowl and drink the liquid from it at the dinner table... Signed, Wen is wondering.
A: That must have been a secret when you were growing up....?  But the world knows that in the animism belief that spirits occupy all things. So that by sipping from the bowl you would actually be kissing someone, so you'll have to explore if you really feel that way towards the bowl...
Q: Should I sit in the bus seat while I finda young lady standing besides me? Signed, mass travel
A: The current belief in equality would not condone this, and the woman may be even upset at your paternalistic behavior. But I would still do it, I'm just hardwired that way....
Q: I need to know what the dinning etiquette was like in Kat Chopin time ( 1890 to 1910 approx) i need HELP Signed - i hate big projects (hicville, PA)
A: That was the time that the tablecloths were used as napkins, and silverware was used to defend your food. Feel free to use this info and let me know how you do on the paper.
Q: Is it okay to look at your fathers video (nudge nudge) collection? Signed, dirty girl
A: If Janet Reno finds out and your life gets plastered all over the news, you'll be sorry
Q: Why do people always smack their gum in a library, when the signs clearly read no gum chewing?? signed, I feel the pain.
A: Inconsideration pops into my mind but I suspect that this is a result of you not filling out your census honestly.
Q: Why is it considered rude to eat with your elbows on the table? Signed, the etiquette navigator
A: Rudeness is in the eyes of the beholder. As long as society imposes arbitrary rules then we need to realize that the rules are to there to divide us into "us and them". If we follow the rules we can claim membership of whatever group we want.  Too often we dress and act as a member of a group unconsciously and the rules of etiquette are just a part of this membership ritual. Either that or maybe elbows spread disease, I can never keep that straight.
Q: If a door can be a jar, can a jar be a door? Signed, Deep thinker
A: If a baby is drop by the doctor at birth will the baby ever grow up and learn to type, Oh wait, I think you already answered that
Q: is it okay to eat on a bouncy castle if ALL the people on the bouncy castle don't like what your eating? From, misunderstood by EVERYONE
A: Another good reminder to "just say no"
Q: Dear Mr. Manners I would like to know if I would ever get a boy friend and will it be the one I've always wanted. Signed, my eight ball is broken
A: Let me shake my eight ball (In my case I just shake my head) and the answer is, "it is certain". And you know that eight balls are never wrong, so just let yourself go and embrace garlic and baked beans...
Q: Is it nice to burp at a table. signed your friend ashley
A: Let me answer this this way. Imagine that your a huge statue and then imagine the biggest flock of birds that you've ever seen...
Q: Y do people say 'Bless You' after someone sneezes.. hmm? It is THE most idiotic thing in the world and I want to know WHY! signed,  Angel of Death with a very strange cloak
A: People used to believe that sickness was due to evil spirits invading the body. The real angel of death would have know this ... maybe you need a new cloak?
Q: If your friend is seeing two guys should you recommend her to go to an optometrist? Signed, Seeing double
A: Hey, I do the witty wordplay here... usually...
Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a "Tootsie Pop"? Signed, needs a drink
A: I see that they released you... good boy, nice boy, sit... roll over!!
Q: If you have 38DD boobs, is it ok to go out in public wearing spandex, looking like a milk cow? Signed, Not Me
A: If I had 38DD's I would never go anywhere. If someone else  want to commit what 99% of the population think is a fashion crime then I think that 99% of the population should mind their own business...  Fitting into a group by acting or dressing like that group is a personal choice. And if someone want to be a free spirit then I wish them well and will lookout for them as they change the world.
Q: Uh, Mr. M...I Am This Boy Who's Neighbor Always Shoos Me Away, And He Tends To Yell A lot.. But His Wife Makes Good Cookies! How Can I Stay All Day With Him, Yet Not Enrage Him? - Signed, Dennis "The Menace"
A: 1st, don't start all of your words with caps! 2nd, don't start all of your words with caps. 3rd, one way to get someone to like you, is to like them. So if there is no way that you could even pretend to be interested in what Mr. Cookies is doing then your going to have to get your cookies elsewhere...
Q: i cant stop kissing my boyfriend at lunch. what should i do? Signed, from Kissing
A: If he can't stop kissing you back then enjoy the passion that carries you both away... If he's saying "cool it" then you'll need to decide whether to put your enthusiasm in check or get a new boyfriend.
Q: If you were a rather fat or chunky baby is it likely that you'll grow up to be thin or slender? Signed, My Furby bit me
A: Dear Bitten, I just read an article that stated that stored fat was due to people's inability to express power in their life. So work to achieve your goals, and roll with the punches. Then you'll need less comfort food and grow up to be whatever you want to be. That is if your talking about yourself.
Q: Dear Mr Manners, Do you consider it good manners to put an aberrant period after titles, e.g.. Mr, Dr, Mrs. This period implies that there is more to come, which there clearly is not in 'Mr' because the 'r' is the last letter of the word mister. Yes I do have a lot of time on my hands, and no I don't have a life. Signed, Deeply Sad in...oh, where am I again?
A: I don't feel that a period after Mr. is aberrant, atypical, unusual... My spell checker says that it's supposed to be that way, and since Microsoft made it you know that they have my best interest at heart.
Q: I cant get over Alicia Silverstone? Help Me!! Signed, Mortal Remainz
A: Assuming that the restraining order is already in effect, I suggest that you spend at least eight hours a day surfing the web looking for jpeg's of fish. It's not in the etiquette books yet, but there are current studies that support this approach....
Q: y do you say thank you? Signed, Mystery spotter
A: Because I love ya man!!! It's - I believe - the way you type... The brevity of your keystrokes just keeps me on edge. Not everybody can do what you do with the English language. That's why I say thank you...
Q: Two questions were asked about sexual relations. I'll try to answer both of them even thou I wasn't sure of some of the terminology. Signed, Mr. Manners
A: Slow down over the speed bumps and I'm glad to hear about the mud flaps...? (Mr. Manners needs a vacation)
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, Suppose you are standing in the checkout line and the lady checking your groceries out has this huge purplish looking mass on her face. Should I make eye contact or just keep my eye on the grocery items steadily passing? Signed, Torn between staring.
A: An actual question on etiquette... Mr. Manners head is stunned and spins around three times and then his eyes fall out and roll under his 'puter desk. Blindly he grasps the keyboard and perfectly touch types "as long as you don't stare, you'll be golden!"
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, i like this shy guy who i've known for 6 years. i've asked him out a few times but he always says he's busy. his mom told me he likes me and that he wishes he wasn't so busy all the time. his mom told him that he should just go ask me out. he hasn't. how do i get this shy guy to ask me out? from: wrapped up in a shy guy.
A: Step one: I recommend 2 aspirin, excuse me while I go get them... Step two: Find out what he is doing with his time and if you like it, ask to do it with him.
Q: Mr. Manners, What is a good way to ask my parents for a lot of money? Signed, Broke in Florida
A: Just ask politely, never con your parents. That way you can keep on asking. Once you con them they might cut you off. If that doesn't work you could always get a job, I heard the economy is good right now.
Q: I really like this boy at school, what should I do? Signed, Your lovingly daughter
A: Through the infinity of time that has brought us here today, now, surfing the web, think of all that had to happen. So keep everything in perspective and have try to fun while your in school. Assuming that he's normal just tell him that you like him. And if he turns out to be a smuck at least you'll know to move on...
Q: What should I do about this girl at work that wears her clothes two sizes too small. Signed, I'm not looking
A: I would recommend that you keep your nose out of her business.
Q: What's the proper etiquette to pick at ones underwear when out in public? Signed, sticky
A: The side step maneuver is the only safe way, it takes practice but can be mastered. It involves looking backward while taking a long step. The look back acts as a classic misdirection, allowing the long step to free up any stuckage.
Q: Should a man pick up a woman at a truck stop? Signed, just passing through
A: Only if you can safely lift her...
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, I would love to know how you & your wife met, and was she always supportive of your "GIFT" of words?? ( or she run like hell and you followed...LOL) signed, E-ticketride 
A: You really think I have a gift for words??? I'm at a loss of words.
Q: What is a polite way to ask someone out? Signed, Jodie in Chicago
A: Different stokes for different folks... There is no one way to do it, your best bet is to be yourself and don't say "pull my finger to see what your in for".
Q: Why do u think u r Mr. Manners?? Signed, Miss Manners
A: I see that you finally got a spell checker. What I wonder is why your Miss Manners?
Q: what do you do if you fart in with a big crowd of people? Signed, Hugh U Lookinat
A: easy one... glare accusingly at the person next to you.
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, I am just one hog hair shy of killing my roommate. I had a friend over the other night and whilst we were in another room of the house, my roommates unruly (read INSANE) pit bull seizes the opportunity to rummage through my guest's bag and select his pager as her new chew toy. At some point
in the chew session my roommate took the pager from the dog and nonchalantly tosses it in my bedroom saying "Oh, you probably shouldn't leave this out." Needless to say the pager was destroyed, my guest was upset and I am feeling rather homicidal. What is the proper etiquette for this situation for all parties involved? Write back soon, I find myself sharpening, polishing, sandblasting, and priming the neutrinos of my. . .ohh. . .better not say, premeditation laws and such. Signed, Atomic in Chernobyl
A: You live with a pit bull and are upset that he ate an annoying pager. I think you should count your toes and it they equal ten, pet the dog, take a deep breath and relax.
Q: Dear Mr. Manners. Why am I not rich & famous ?? Signed. I-deserve-my-place-in-Hollywood
A: Shouldn't that be "why aren't I rich and famous?"
Q: Is it ok to lick your dates ear on the first date? Signed, fast forward
A: If she barks and licks her butt,,, go for it
A: Is your caps lock key stuck or are you just flying newbie colors? And that's such a shame, it was a good question... (in other words, write your own paper...)
Q: What is the proper response time to send a thank you????? I have noticed recently that several gifts we have given for baby showers and weddings were never acknowledged with a thank-you note. Even if the person says thank-you in person isn't it still good manners to respond with a thank-you??? Let me know your
thoughts please! THANKS!!!!! Signed, perceived
A: Yes, that's still good manners, however, it's a different world and manners are now relative. So as long as someone was worth a gift, smile and embrace the time that we have left in this life. As long as nobody's sticking their butt in your face, life is good.
Q: I am a young girl and am in love with my best friends boyfriend who is my ex-boyfriend. I slept with him before they were going out and I want to do it again. I wake up and that is all I can think about. what should I do? I don't want to betray my friend but I want to go out with her boyfriend again. I think I deserve
another chance. Signed, in love and restless.
A: Jerry Springer doesn't recruit here, so lights, camera, action, grow up and smell the burned coffee.
Q: Dear Sir, I wish to know how I can impress a lady through charm and how I properly address my feelings for her? thank you, Signed mesmerized
A: You sound like you don't need any help. But then again you asked me a question, which puts that theory in question...
Q: When sending an anonymous note to the loved-ones of my kidnapping victim, should I sign the note "Sincerely Yours", "Truly Yours" or "Warm Regards"? Signed, Psychotic, but not without style and grace in in England
A: This is clearly a trick question, you don't sign ransom notes...
Q: If a certain friend of yours, instead of picking his nose, picks his ear (and apparently loves the taste), how can you make him stop doing it in front of other people? Signed, Embarrassed in Canada
A: Tell him "Sit!!" ... "Bad dog!!!" and carry a rolled up newspaper.
Q: Are you insane? signed, committed in California.
A: 3 out of 5 analysts recommend me to fellow analysts.

Q: Another love question to bore you: I've been Best friends with a guy for almost a year. I don't know whether to ask him out and risk losing his friendship, or to just stay friends. I really want to go out with him because he's really nice, but I'm the girl, and it's hard for me to ask. Any ideas? - Unrequited in Ottawa
A: Just be yourself, and ask. If he's thinking of you in a romantic way it won't matter who asks. And as far as losing him as a friend, I would still take the risk.  Losing a friend is bad, losing a love is a tragedy.

Q: Is it proper to stop at Wendy's when your driving a hearse when there's a body in the back?  - Mortified
A: I recommend that you go bungee jumping, attach the cord to your underwear and give yourself a world record as the first person to die of a wedgie.
Q: Dear Mister Manners, I have a very hairy back, thick and dark brown. I am INCREDIBLY self conscious about it. My girlfriend of two weeks is showing signs of wanting to progress if you know what I mean. . . How do I show her my furry back with out her bolting from my truck screaming "wolfman" Please answer me soon, I don't think she'll believe the "hard to get" act much longer. - King KONG
A: Shall I wax poetic, or just be plucky. Unfortunately we live in a society where to much emphasis is placed on looks  and not enough on content.  But in this instance I think you'll be ok, just don't lick her leg and bark...
Q: Hey how do I get a guy? - testosterone deficient
A: Usually I get the opposite question, so this is refreshing. I recommend that if your looking for a new outlet of options then try a respectable dating service.  I realize that to do this right takes money but it does save a lot of time, and a lot of heartache. If your on a budget than try asking your friends if they know
of someone. If nothing else you'll find out what your friend think of you by who they recommend.
Q: How far is to far? How much is too much, and how drunk is too drunk? - enquiring minds want to know
A: When the police are carrying you away is always a good clue. Unfortunately, even then some people still don't learn.
Q: Mr. Manners, I am in love but the object of my affection has a very nosy family. How do I give them the 411 to back off and quit refereeing our lives? - Constipated in Guam
A: When your with them take a close look.  These people may be a part of your life for many decades to come.  So be upfront about your concerns and stand your
ground.  On the other hand we may be talking about free baby sitters.  So measure you options carefully.
Q: My grandmother always told me "the best way to keep a house clean is to stay out of it". I've now enforced this theory on my room mate and wont let him in the house. Why is this causing problems?  - Marvin the Martian
A:  I have a feeling your grandmother was actually trying to tell you something... You think?

Q: What is the proper way to break up with someone? - lost
A:  "I just want to be friends" is the universal signal.  If the "f" word doesn't work you might want to try the "It's me, not you" speech...  Of course there's always honestly explaining the problem to help the other person -and you- to grow emotionally.  Which of course would probably make that person a true friend as opposed to saying you just want to be friends and blowing the person off.  Not that I've ever heard the "friends" speech and am bitter about that sob that never gave it to me.
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, What IS the proper way to handle a dillusinal EX-wife?  - Reading Between the Lines in NC.
A: Would that be disillusioned, delusional, disgruntled, disappointed, frustrated with your spelling, semantics, syntax, pragmatics???  Sorry that I had to be hard nosed with you, I'm just so disinterened.
Q: Mr. Manners, you have such a quick wit and good sense of humor. Could you tell me where can get some too? Does it come in a box or can? Clueless in
A: For only 19.95 I will send you the guide "Writing in the Can" you'll just have to wait till I get it written.  It will be sent in a box, if I can't find a can.
Q:  Mr. Manners. I have a problem. I have fallen in love with the most wonderful man on the face of this earth. He treats me well, he is good with kids and he will take care of me. the problem is this: We are both married to other people. We each know how the other feels but have not acted on them. If we leave our respected spouses it would kill them. What can I do? - Sincerely, Very confused
A:  Say "There's no place like home" three times and click your heels together. If that doesn't work you might want to find a marriage counselor. Just a suggestion...
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, How long should two people be dating before it's acceptable to squeeze the pimples on their back? - Reading Between the Lines in NC
A: That would be one of the major secrets of the Mr. Manners X-files.  So I will have to answer you in code
"973-6feep#yanga53;fv722**34ohyeababe2".  I hope this helps.
Q: Dear Mr. Manners I have a problem with my neighbor. Ever weekend, he cleans his yard and throws the dog crap and grass clippings over the wall into my yard. I've called the police, and they arrested him twice, but he still does it. I'm losing patience. What should I do? In this situation, is it okay to break his windows and throw the dog crap into his house? - unintimidating
A:  No, if you want to answer his irrational behavior with irrational behavior don't get yourself thrown in jail.  Try wearing one of those shirts that say "kill them all and let God sort them out", then put NRA stickers all over the outside of your house.  Then get a huge tattoo that says "death before dishonor" and get a mohawk.  If that doesn't work buy one of those government surplus cannons and point it at his house...
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, if you don't wear under-garments to an executive business meeting, should you notify your co-workers? - Gowen Commando from Nopants, England
A: Could be a fun game? On the other hand it could end civilization as we know it.
Q: When you hate the person sitting in front of you on the bus, what is the most polite way to beat the crap out of them? - ninja master
A: I suggest letting the person hit you about the body until their arm is sore. If your lucky maybe they'll even scratch their knuckles...
Q: When talking to someone, if they are rambling, and you really have to sneeze, what is the proper cop-out? - Itchy Nose
A:  If "excuse me I have to sneeze" doesn't suit you, you could try watching South Park and focus on Cartman. And the next time your in a pinch just say to yourself "what would Cartman do?"
Q: I have a problem with my roommate Yanni. Every time he gets up off the couch or out of my car I get a MAJOR eyeful of his HAIRY greek butt. I am really NOT interested in ever seeing it again. . .I wasn't ever interested in seeing it. How does one tactfully tell their hairy pig roommate to hike up their pants or expect me to puke down their furry butt crack? - ~Kyle live at the Acropolis
A:& If telling him that your going to "puke down their furry butt crack" doesn't do it, then it might be time to think about moving.
Q: What is the proper response when someone gives you a used tissue after you've asked for one (and you really have to blow your nose)? -- - Congested Charlie from Hell, Michigan  
A: Why would you ask for a used tissue?
Q: When visiting a friend's house, if their dog jumps on you (and you really hate dogs), is it okay to beat the dog until it doesn't move anymore? -- - Dog Hater
A: The abuse of animals is now found to be a precursor to serious types of abuse issues. If you or anyone finds that they want to or have abused animals then help is available, please seek it out..
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, If your step child visits on the weekend and tracks mud through your living room and dining room on your brand new carpet is it appropriate to beat the crap out of him, his Dad, or both? (Dad's response," It's just carpet...") - Reading between the lines in NC.
A: I suggest an anger management course for you... The first lesson would be something like "every time you feel like slapping someone take a mirror and see how you appear". Next, give the step child some cleaning implements and tell him to start cleaning. Then kiss the Dad, cause he sounds like a winner...
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, My boyfriend and I have had several recent arguments. Please let me know your feelings on tone and deliverance (as in when you are speaking to a person). Also give me your advice about cherishing your mate. Thanks. - Reading between the lines in NC
A: Finding someone to argue with passionately without turning it into a quarrel is unfortunately rare. So it does help to set rules of engagement and keeping the tone respectful is an important part of the rules. Helping the other person define their premises (if needed) and being empathic is also important. A good
strategy to employ in an argument is to focus on the premises instead of the conclusion. If you can argue with him and keep it civil that is definitely a way of cherishing him
Q: If you leave a condom in your wallet long enough can it create holes in it?? If so how long does it take to make the holes?? - BJ
A: Everything deteriorates and a condom is something that I would not take chances with. There are places that will give out free condoms. Our local health center will, and oddly enough they have their facility in a building that they bought from an order of nuns.
Q: Is it ok to play with my rubber chicken in public? And also, do you enjoy pants? - Hello, my name's Bob
A:  Take twelve steps back and try again.
Q: What is the appropriate etiquette when one is addressing a room full of hermaphrodites. Does one say "G'd evening you pack of luscious Herms!" or how about "How's the scene on the ambiguous genital front?" or should one simply say "Wow!"? - Strapless in St Paul
A: Hello works for me, but I like your greetings too...
Q: If my husband smells like a piece of Blue Cheese, and I try all I can to make it go away. But it doesn't work. Hoping you know - shut off
A: Smells are a strong influence on our existence, so tell your husband "way to go" (I love blue cheese).
Q: Are your manners really all that good? Then again Mr. Manners could imply good or bad, could they not? So? Which is it, huh huh? Oink, I gotta get me a life... - Lifeless in Kangarooland
A: You got me, in my house when I'm alone my manners are an exploration of the dark side. One of the worst aspects of  manners is that we generally save our worst manners for our closest friends and family. So armed with that knowledge what can be done to change how we act in front of the people that are closest to us? Just knowing that we may be saving our best behavior for strangers is the first step. The second step is to remember, answering a question with a fart is only funny the first time you do it.
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, If I'm invited to a party at the White House on Easter Sunday and I don't believe in the Easter Bunny...how should I react if the fly that's sitting on top of the Thanksgiving Turkey that was left out accidentally last year ends up flying up my left nostril and gets stuck? Need an answer quick please.
It itches. - Tsetse
A: I think that I just lost my mind 'cause that actually made sense.
Q:What does a woman say when a man asks her why she's divorced or what's a nice girl like you doing unmarried? - negotiating for revelation
A: Most of communication is non-verbal and you need to be aware of what else is being revealed when this is being asked. It sounds like he might be hitting on you. So you may need to communicate your feelings about what level of interaction you wish to engage in with this person.
Or, if your sure they are just being rudely curious, you can refer them to your favorite website and tell them to "mind your own business" (dot com).
Q: is a pickle a fruit or a vegetable? - me
A: This question has so many sexual overtones, I'm apprehensive to touch it without protection. So I'll refer to Freud and say that sometimes a pickle is just a pickle.
Q: If you have 3 identical containers of different things, why will you always grab the one you need last? signed, looking for validity
A: This brings to mind the question of freedom, can it even exist? As much as we yell free speech it's anything but free. Are we all trapped in an existence that has so many boundaries that free will is an illusion? And as far as the three containers go, do any of them contain what any of us really need?
Q: Do you think I am sexy? - Yours truly
A: I tend to like......!?! Are you a woman???
Q: Why do they call the "kissing disease" "Mono"? Do you get it by kissing yourself? - Yours truly
A: That would give narcissism a negative connotation, and we all know that that's not true.
A: You obviously feel very strongly about this... So, what I see is that either your wondering why incarcerated men have poor social skills. Or, you work in an office and feel incarcerated by the rudeness that surrounds you in your world. So let answer this this way. Reality is 99% perception and if you see the world as crass
and unbecoming, it will appear that way. And since many developmental theorists say that personalities remain stable throughout our life span, changing your views of the world is hard to do. But it's possible. So Mr. Manners recommends that you take a deep breath, relax and get your caps lock key fixed.

She asks a follow up question Q: Is it appropriate for a friend (male) to come to my office for lunch, wash his hands and then wipe them dry on my curtains?? - Incarcerated strong willed woman
A: The symbolism that I see working here with the rude behavior is that he's trying to be dominant "the alpha".  So you could go to his level and challenge him to a farting contest and the loser has to clean up after lunch. Or, since you just asked if it was appropriate I would have to say "no".
Q: 1) Why is it that women always think they're right?
2) When eating shrimp cocktail, is it acceptable to put the tails back on the serving plate?
3) When eating prepared salads from a bag, is it acceptable to not use a plate and instead use the bag like a horses feed bag?
signed, alias silverbuzzard
A: They usually are, no, and wow???
Q: Why does a good song always come on the radio right when I am getting out of the car, but it's all crap the rest of the time? - Cajun Queen
A: I think that you need a new car???
Q: If landing on the moon was soooo important...why don't they do it more often? - looking for a good day out.
A: The time was Camelot and dreams were within the realm of possibility. Plus, the USA was out to kick Russia's posterior. Can you say Sputnik?
Q: what comes first a chicken or an egg??? (red rooster in Sydney)
A: Did you shallow the worm that comes at the bottom of that bottle? Yeeee ha...
Q: Dear Mr. Manners: Why is it when I am clearly waiting to make a turn into traffic the car in the intersection to my left will not signal when making a right turn, which would clearly give me the OK to turn into traffic. - tired of waiting
A: Now is as good as a time to explore all the small things that bother us. The small annoyances should not bother us - but they do. And unfortunately they build into stress that can result into outbursts, road rage and other detrimental manifestations. So the answer is not to try and manipulate others (which is beyond our
control) but ourselves. So take a deep breath and relax, and develop a strategy of responding to those annoyances peacefully with the knowledge that your helping yourself.

And carry a cellphone, with 911 on speed dial, to deal with those that can't respond peacefully to those annoyances on the road. Cool question, thanks.
Q: Which is better Wal-Mart or K-Mart? - priceless
A: Well, Wal-Mart starts with a W, but K-Marts got that big K.
Q: What if you like someone, but they don't like you????? - seeking
A: Quick answer: Their loss... Long answer: One thing that everybody can do is try to be the best that they can. And along the way we will stumble and that's normal. But don't let anything or anyone keep you down, the only time we fail is when we quit trying (unless your trying to be eight foot tall, etc.) The road to a positive relationship is to set realistic expectations and understand that no person is perfect.  Men and women usually have different expectations out of a relationship, men tend to be succinct, whereas, women like longer discussions (Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus). So, before you send a hit man to cap this personage think it over, and thank you for an excellent question....
Q: Gossip is rampant in my office, what should I do - indifferent
A: I personally use gossip to gauge the duckability factor.

One affair in process = duck only when a gun is seen

Two affairs = duck at loud noises

Two affairs and a nasty divorce = duck at noises and keep a low profile

More than above = Vacation time....
Q: Do you know Ann Landers? - Mr. Urbanity
A: Is she the looker down at "Top Hats, Girls Girls Girls"?
Q: How fat is TO fat? - Mr. Cadaverous
A: Beauty is relative and different in different cultures. So the answer is if it's to a point of being unhealthy than a modified diet and exercise is in order. Either that or the family pets keep disappearing.
Q: I am a male Purchasing Manager with a female Sales Rep that does business with me. Is it appropriate for me to accept her business-related invitation to dinner?; We are both married (to other people) & I fear my acceptance might give her the wrong idea.... - Mr. Chicken
A: Business is picking up??? In this age of complexity there are a lot of possibilities, but I would say take your wife to the dinner. And since it's on the salespersons dime I recommend the steak and lobster at "Chez Exorbitant". 
Q: How and why did the tradition start that men should not wear a hat inside a building; and why does this "rule" not apply to women? - Harry Yamulke in Michigan
A: This is the most requested question... Why is that??? Mr. Manner is in a tailspin, hats everywhere I look, hats hats and an occasional toenail.
Q: Where did the custom of removing your hat when entering a room originate? - A little off the top
A: Another hat question... double yea... I'll put in a request at the historical department of our mega-site and as soon as I get an answer I'll post it.
Q: Dear Mr. Manners, I am a guy who will get married next week. I am mortally afraid that I might fart in the presence of my wife during our first night. What do I say to her if this happens ? Regards, malluthedog, India
A: Oh boy, another fart question... yea... OK what I recommend is that if you let one slip, you steer the conversation to your rectum. You know say something like that darn rectum of mine. Then when she's staring at you wide eyed in disbelief say "rectum... damn near killed them".
Q: Why do I piss off people so often? - the hole in Idaho
A: Maybe your a jerk???
Q: Why do I ..... never know what to ask ?? - Sweet Lake city inhabitant
A: The two most popular theories are shyness and being a low communicator. Shyness implies wariness of your environment and being a low communicator means that you naturally communicate less often. Branding a child as shy when they are a low communicator is adding insult where no injury exists. Shyness on the other hand can be dealt with by external and internal means. Externally you can seek support and internally you can force yourself to be more verbal, say by joining groups that you will do good in. If your athletic go for sports and if your interests lie elsewhere follow them. And the most important thing is to be true to yourself... Either that or I misunderstood the question and what the hell I had fun with giving this answer.
Q: What is the meaning of life? - coolness under fire
A: Keeping your butt out of other peoples face, unless they request it...
Q: Is it your contention that we should never ask for sex? - what did you say?
A: It great to ask for sex, just never to expect it.
Q: Should I go out with Jodie Fernandez? - springs in the air
A: If when you think about Jodie you feel good then, ask.
Q: When you pay for dinner and act very politely you expect a girl to put out and the girl usually knows this. If she knows and still does not come on to you, is it all right to ask her to put out. Shameless in Maine
A: No, slap yourself silly, next question.
Q: Mr. manners is it true that it is rude to put ur elebow on the table at dinner?.....is it true that u cant fatr in front of ppl ?  or pick ur butt? - erudite
A: As best I can make out - I would recommend that you don't use the tablecloth to wipe ur mouth.
Q: Where did the idea originate that men should take there hat off before entering a building. - Mr. diplomatic
A: Besides you showing your age, let me tell you how much I love this question. Let me endeavor to answer this to the utmost... right after I finish scratching (scratching is very important). Ohhh, eye booger, gotta get it out, excuse me... Oooops, out of time.
Q: How do I arrange it so everybody thinks I'm at least partially insane? - heinous
A: Just a guess, but I think if you keep acting normal???
Q: I have a girlfriend with lots of hair under her armpits and on her arms. Her birthday is coming up so I don't know if I should buy her diamond ring or a rake to comb her arms. Buy any chance do you know where I can buy any insanely large combs to brush her arm hair. - my woman is a wolf in Seattle
A: She's a lucky woman. However, diamond are for the most part a waste of resources (It's a rock... ), so go out and get yourself a large screen TV for being so sensitive.
Q: What exactly is Victoria's Secret? - a little redundant
A: I heard that it was that she was a slut, but the truth is that she's actually very very rich...
Q: Why? - inquisitor
A: Why not?
Q: Should the man pay for dinner?? - no, I'm not cheap!
A: Oh yeah, you'll pay... Seriously, if you asked her out, you should pay. Of course you can ask her to pay but make sure that you make that clear before you get
to the restaurant. If she asks you out she should pay, that's the rule, I don't make this stuff up...
Q: When sweat runs down your nose, should you wipe it off carefully, or flick it off with your finger? - sleeveless
A: Do all of us a favor and flick it, a brick works best for this.
Q: Please Mr. Manners, My family and I have racked our brains to find the answer to this most puzzling question. I'm sure you have heard the saying "mind your P's and Q's". My question is, what does the Pand Q represent? All I could come up with is Perqs and irks. Your input would be highly appreciated by all. Stumped in Utah
A: P stands for pints and Q stands for quarts, and when you where drinking it was important to mind your P's and Q's. Oddly enough not from the viewpoint of being too drunk but to keep the barkeeper honest.

The next questions is obviously "what the hell are Perqs and Quirks"???
Q: If your on a date and some bozo cuts you off with his car should you flick him the finger, or just let it go without a comment? - curious
A: Let it go, unless your willing to take a bullet it's not worth it. Write off your reaction as a random act of kindness, on the other hand if you see this car later, parked, unattended......
Q: Is it polite to yawn in front of your date, or should you try to suppress it? - separate checks please
A: Never suppress your urges like yawning, passing gas, or belching.  And what was your dates name and address???
Q: When finished with a banana, what should one do with the peel? - lost and befuddled
A: The peel is the most nutritious part, just like the skin on the potato. Soon it will come in fashion to eat the peels so beat the trend and start now....
Q: Should I trim the hair on my ears, or let it grow? Would this be a turn on to a woman, or not. (leaving the ear hair?) - wolfy
A: Mr. Manners says to let it grow and braid it, then you can moose it into shapes. Then send me all your silverware, because you obviously don't use it...
Q: How long should the ideal woman's legs be? MichiGANDER
A: Mr. Manner reaches through the monitor and slaps you ten times....
Q: Can I pick my nose in the car when I drive? - dazed 'n carfused
A: As long as you have a finger you "can", and don't even think of asking "may I".
Q: Should you open the door of a car for your wife? - trepidated in Toyota
A: Depends on the personality of you and your wife, and if it's your car...

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