Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
That's not funny, that's not even the same zip code as funny
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder
Three kids named Manners, Mind Your Own Business and Trouble were on a day's outing, when all of a sudden Trouble went missing. Being her BFF, Manners and Mind Your Own Business decided to report Trouble missing. When they got to the police station, Manners got frightened and decided to stay outside. Mind Your Own Business went in to report the loss.The desk sergeant asked her her name, to which the she replied, Mind Your Own Business.The desk sergeant crossly said, 'Where's your manners?'Mind Your Own Business replied, 'Outside.'On hearing such rudeness, the desk sergeant said, 'Are you looking for Trouble?' Mind Your Own Business quickly replied, 'Yes, please!'
A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?" The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously replied, "Yes." "Take the poison," said the Rabbi.
Come to the Dark side... We Have Cookies!!
The only thing school is teaching me is how to text without looking
Come to the nerd side... We have pi
A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. He practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would make him the best. One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his dream.The old man looked him up and down and said, I have a suggestion that is sure to help. Tell me, said the young man. Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg. Will that make me a better gunfighter? Definitely,"said the old man. The young gunman did what he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions? Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother. Will that make me a better gunfighter? It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot the cuff link off the piano player. This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me? One more thing," said the old man, "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun. The young man didn't hesitate but started putting the grease just on the barrel of the gun. No, the whole gun, handle and everything, said the old man. Will that make me a better gunfighter? No," said the old man, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:"Doctor,I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Dear Karma, I have a list of people that you missed
Some days I amaze myself, other days I look for my phone while I am talking on it
Plan B better be good
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. (Joey Adams)
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. (Joe E. Lewis)
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. (Bertrand Russell)
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. (Steven Wright)
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. (Walt Disney)
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. (Chris Rock)
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. (Victor Hugo)
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. (Spike Milligan)
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. (Terry Pratchett,)
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. (W.C. Fields)
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like. (Lemony Snicket)
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. (Terry Pratchett)
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more. (Chris Rock)
99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol. (Quentin R. Bufogle)
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. (Douglas Adams)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. (Jim Henson)
Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself. (John Green )
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. (Mitch Hedberg)
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. (Spike Milligan)
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. (Groucho Marx)
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. (David Lee Roth)
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (George Bernard Shaw)
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. (Steven Wright)
One picture is worth 1,000 denials. (Ronald Reagan)
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. (Yogi Berra)
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Lana Turner)
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby)
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein)
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. (Emo Philips)
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. (Hedy Lamarr)
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. (Groucho Marx)
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. (Buddy Hackett)
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. (Albert Einstein)
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. (Mark Twain)
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. (P. J. O'Rourke)
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. (Jim Carrey)
I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? (I. M. Desperate)
“Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.” (Drew Carey)
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” (Drew Carey)
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.” (Orson Wells)
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." (Steven Wright)
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
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