Horrendous Puns and Bad Dad Jokes

No matter how much you push the envelope it is still stationary

I used to think the brain was the most important organ, but then I thought, "Look what's telling me that."

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I couldn't get a reservation at the library because they were completely booked.

Image pointing out the joke generator next to it

image pointing out the pun generator next to it

I have a split personality said tom being frank

Parallel lines have so much in common; it's a shame they'll never meet.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes

I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar“ Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.

What sits at the bottom of the lake and twitches, a nervous wreck

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory, all I did was take a day off

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up

My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong of so many levels

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire

What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind, a maybe

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!

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