Horrendous Puns and Bad Dad Jokes
I used to think the brain was the most important organ, but then I thought, "Look what's telling me that."
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I couldn't get a reservation at the library because they were completely booked.
Parallel lines have so much in common; it's a shame they'll never meet.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar“ Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire
I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’ I couldn’t turn it down.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!
The guy in front of me at 7-11 left his Breathsavers on the counter. The cashier said I could have them, but I have abandoned mint issues.
Have you heard of Murphy’s Law, that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong? It's much better than "Cole’s Law?” That one is mostly cabbage.
A Mexican magician told his audience he was going to vanish on the count of three. He counted, “Uno, dos…” and disappeared without a tres.