Puns - if you ever joke that you are into "Pun ... ishment," make sure you give a long pause.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar“ Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up
My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”