Puns - if you ever joke that you are into "Pun ... ishment," make sure you give a long pause.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar“ Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up

My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

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