Horrendous Puns and Bad Dad Jokes

No matter how much you push the envelope it is still stationary

I used to think the brain was the most important organ, but then I thought, "Look what's telling me that."

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I couldn't get a reservation at the library because they were completely booked.

Image pointing out the joke generator next to it

image pointing out the pun generator next to it

I have a split personality said tom being frank

Parallel lines have so much in common; it's a shame they'll never meet.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes

I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar“ Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."

What sits at the bottom of the lake and twitches, a nervous wreck

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory, all I did was take a day off

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up

My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong of so many levels

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire

I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’ I couldn’t turn it down.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.  I had to put my foot down.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?  Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind, a maybe

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!

The guy in front of me at 7-11 left his Breathsavers on the counter. The cashier said I could have them, but I have abandoned mint issues.

Have you heard of Murphy’s Law, that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?  It's much better than "Cole’s Law?” That one is mostly cabbage.

A Mexican magician told his audience he was going to vanish on the count of three. He counted, “Uno, dos…” and disappeared without a tres.

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