Felony Stupid === A made "idiot"
Don't play stupid with me === I'm better at it
My minds like a steel trap === rusted shut
I didn't mean that === I really meant that and more...
Life sucks === and it leaves some mean hickies
Give it a chance === this will take a miracle
Not bad for a first try === Do it over
You do this so much better than me === I don't want to do it
Lets just be friends === flag on the plan, penalty, game over
Live as long as you like === it won't shorten how long your dead
Not right now dear === when hell freezes over!
What a surprise! === Oh God just let me die...
You fell down, let me help you === hahhhaaahha ha ahaa ha ha
I always take a relaxed attitude toward a problem like this === I ignore it
Don't worry about it === You're dead as far as I'm concerned
I'm not anxious === I'm just terribly terribly alert
Parts is parts === Leftover parts after a repair is normal...?
Oakie Dokie === even I can't make this one out???
Bless your heart === You are an idiot who has totally screwed up!
I got your back!!! === I'll be standing right behind it
Oh, that's okay === it's not really, but you're starting to get on my nerves
I don't want to take up too much of your time === I don't want to waste mine.
I appreciate that === stop now while your ahead
I won't forget === I never understood it in the first place
Really? === STOP YAPPING!
hunnmmmrruupphh === Let's get this over
You look great === I have no idea what I did, but I can tell you're mad
I thought you only ate low fat peanut butter === Stop eating my peanut butter
Fine! === You're probably right, but I don't care
I can't seem to find my screwdriver === Stop messing with my tools
I miss you! === I've been doing something bad
I hate that guy === I wish I could do what he does
Where is the______? === Bring me the_______.
Got to go! === I've heard enough of you're b.s.
Your so smart honey === Why didn't I think of that?
No problem === isn't it time for you to leave!
I always know when you're here === I can smell your feet
Of course I'd like to meet your folks === just not yet
You don't need to go on a diet! === it's too late now!
Let me tell you my idea === Here's how we're going to do it.
How are you? === Please don't really answer that
Let me try === so we can get it done in this lifetime
You look fine === Is there anything I can say so that we can be on time?
You look fine === I'll bite my own tongue off before I say the truth
I think we need a cell phone === I want a cell phone
I could use a sandwich === Do you want to make me a sandwich
OK, you got my attention === little good that'll do you
I was born ready === Let me check first with the wife
I'm not a little boy === I need a hug
Hi === Let's sleep together
Hello === Let's sleep together
Bye === Let's sleep together some time later
What? === Sorry, I was fantasizing
Yes === Now let's sleep together
No === But let's sleep together anyway
Let's have dinner === and then we can sleep together
No, it's OK if you're lesbian === Let's sleep together, bring your friends
My favorite Speakisms
Single === looking
Married === Just looking
Verptitude === a female quality that makes you want to jump her without knowing exactly why
These don't fit in, but I liked them to much not to share:
But Daddy, I'm thirsty === Shut up & put the toilet seat down.
So I said to my wife === Look George!
Mary Rose === She sat on a Tack.
Even More Speakisms
No, that doesn't make you look fat === Come ON, let's GO!
Just to make sure you're safe === Except for me, of course
Actually, no, I have to shave my petunias === by God you're annoying.
If I'm not mistaken aren't you === a beautiful woman that I'd like to meet
I wonder if that was important === I didn't understand any of that.
I married Miss RIGHT === I just didn't know her first name was always!
How are you? === I'm ready to talk about myself now.
I'm home === Do we have any beer?
I've got to clean up my house === I can't find my chair.
So, women are from Venus === I knew they had to be from another planet
Men are from Mars === What did she mean by that?
I'm sorry === How did you find out?
It's not you, it's me.=== Oh, it's all you!
I have a excellent memory === too bad it's short.
Who do you think you are === who are you?
I don't trust him === I don't trust myself around him
You're not fat === note to self, buy stock in Twinkies
Honey, I think you should buy that one === can we go home now?
I'll protect you === I'll stand right behind you.
Yes, I'll be right with you === What the hell do you want now
I'm not mad === I'm way pass mad
When your here your family === Do the dishes
I wasn't starring at her === Oh yeah...
How did you do that? === Why couldn't I figure that out first
I'm mad === common sense just flew out the window
I don't like trouble === Now if I could just figure my way out of this
Of course I love that dress === Can we go now?
I'll do it in a minute = notice I didn't say which minute.
It's not that hard === I already now how
Of course I promise === pending the applicable terms
Of course we won't have strippers at the bachelor party === We'll go to them.
Lets shag === Hey, it works for Austin Powers.
It's a man thing === logic optional
Clintons' only human === I've got some skeletons that I'm hiding too.
How could I forget that === give me a hint?
Your a lucky girl === You have me
I'm going to do it === just not now
I don't have the right tools === the game is starting
Let me get my tools === where did I put the duct tape
I fixed it === Try it and see if it works
There isn't nothing wrong with smoking === I can't quit, pity me
You shouldn't smoke === I don't smoke
I don't gossip === but this one is too good...
I'm not lying === testing testing, have I been caught
It's nothing that I can't handle === testosterone on overdrive
I feel like getting something to eat === will you put something together
I feel like going out === your the designated driver
I feel like watching the tube === give me the remote
I feel sick === call the Mayo clinic cause the gates of hell have just opened
Yes, I know === damn, your right again...
All men aren't pigs === some of us haven't been caught yet
Lets go shopping === OK, I screwed up, I'm ready to pay
Of course I want to talk about our relationship === How long is this gonna take?
One more try should do it === I haven't got a clue
Of course I like your friends === notice that I said "your" friends
I'm not a doctor, but === I'm now going to act like one
I'm not in denial === I call it disallowance
Let me take a try at it === get outta the way
I don't understand === say it right this time moron...
I don't know how to [fill in the blank] === you do it
I'll have to think about it === no way in hell, babe.
You've lost weight === Turn around, I think I found it
I'm actually a really nice guy === Danger Will Robinson ... Danger
Nice shirt === Damn, that would look good on my floor.
But you Mis-understood me === I'm caught ... damage control time
You can trust me === my wife is here
Yes, that was great sex === I only had to think of two other women
You do believe me don't you === did I get away with it
It's not you, it's me === It's you.
This snack is "fat free" === You're not fat free.
I kept the letters you wrote me. === I've got evidence.
Have a mint === Kissing you is like sucking on wharf scrapings.
I didn't have sex with that woman === She had sex with me
I'm absolutely sure === I hope
I've got a headache === I'd rather punish you than have sex with you
I'll call you === I'll call you when I get desperate.
Could you deal with this? === I can't deal with this.
You know what I mean === I don't know what I mean.
I have a girlfriend === I don't like you, get the hell away and quit hitting on me!
Yes, of course I care about you. === Now get your clothes off
(throat clear) eh hem! === 'da hell outta my way
(throat clear#2) hmhm! === I am in the vicinity now, stop talking about me
I'm sorry === You'll be sorry.
We need === I want.
It's your decision === The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want === You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk === I need to complain.
Sure... go ahead === I don't want you to.
I'm not upset === Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're ... so manly === You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight === Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights === I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient === I want a new house.
I want new curtains === and carpeting, and furniture, wallpaper....
Hang the picture there === NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise === I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? === I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? === I did something you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute === Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? === Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate === Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? === Too late, you're dead.
I'm not yelling === Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
Your very down to earth ==== Hillbilly
May I help you === Give me your money
Do you think I am sexy === give me a drink and it won't matter
Lets go out to eat === It's my turn to cook
Lets be friends === Your one step from pond scum (part one)
political correctness === Lets just be friends (part two)
Sexual harassment === Lets "not" just be friends (part three, and your out)
Big boned === charitable shape
Good personality === nice girl
Closing time === nice shape charitable girl
Blind date === A quick way to find out what your friends think of you
Hello === Lets have sex
Hi === lets have sex
(anything) === lets have sex
(nothing said) === should we have sex?
Stupid === Anything that disagrees with me in any way
Moron === Anyone I don't like (see stupid)
I'll get back to you === See that door -- leave
I'm going to get on the 'puter === entering cave mode, do not disturb
Sure, I'll give you a call === You and I both know you'll never hear from me again.
I'm fine! === Warning! In Cave! Trespassers may be mangled!
I don't want to date anybody yet. === I don't want to date YOU EVER.
No, I came over just to talk === Let's get it on!
I think we're growing apart === I grew up and you didn't
I'll call you sometime === I hope I never talk to that person again
It's not you it's me === you bore me and I want to finish it.
mmh, oh yea sure dear. === I have no idea what you just said.
Nice bike === damn that chick on the back of that Harley has a nice ass