Mind Your Own Business

Mr Manners

Is there a question about manners that's burning inside of you?  Then submit that question "Here"

Your answer about etiquette should be displayed from about a week to never. (newest postings are on the top) Disclaimer "I take no responsibility for anything, including that incident in Thailand in 1991"

 

Q: If I am seeing the heat wave, should I be wave back? (I Am very exciting to be writing you,)

A: I am very excited to meet you too! You have reaffirmed my belief in gifted life. You have single handedly taken away any doubt that the human race will triumph and rise to the level it can reach. You have in a moment of jovial wit have reminded me to look both ways before crossing the street.

 

Q: I have a guy staring at me all the time in class, what should I do?

A:  I think that you should quit teaching?

 

Q: Why is the word Dictionary in the Dictionary? signed, Lee

A: Obviously to confuse you... Why is psychoanalysis so riddled with flaws? Why didn't Freud get it all right? Because, Freudian psychoanalysis is based on intuition and case studies rather than science. Only when the principles of science were applied to understand abnormal human behavior was there empirical knowledge created. And while Freud said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar I would argue that Plato was right and that the perfect dictionary does exist and all other dictionaries are just approximations of that perfect cigar (or was that dictionary, I got lost..) So in conclusion let me say that Dictionary sounds like a dirty word and should be banned!

Manners

Q: Hi, Is it always desirable for a man to hold open the door for a female? Alias: Dabbler.

A: Doesn't matter if male or female - hold the door.

 

Q: I'm a women and I want to know in which circumstances I have to pay the bill, thank you for answering ... amel from france

A: If you ask the guy out then you should assume that you're paying.  Otherwise, you need to have that made clear in advance.

 

Q: Is it proper for a mother-in-law to give daughter in law a baby shower or should it be a friend or other relative. Thanks, Tessy

A: That you asked a man that question shows that you really need to ask someone else that question. My specialty is the removal of stuckage ... it's a guy thing

 

Q: Why is it called a bottom when it is half way up? Signed Ditzy

A: Thanks for making my day... Author.. Author... well done... you ROCK!!!!

 

Q: Is it impolite to dump a man because the relationship is not working out right after he's just given you an expensive gift and is really just using you for recreation? Signed, Desperate to know

A: no, and keep the gift, unless it was a wedding ring, those get returned.

 

Q: I recently asked to get my hair highlighted but the lady messed up and DYED it red. I didn't want to be mean so I told her I liked it. Now I desperately need to get it out soon! Signed, TooNice

A: I believe the proper etiquette in this situation would allow you to "skip the tip".

 

Q: In modern society the media tells teen girls that it's ok to say no.... I don't know the intellect of the 'behind the scenes guy' but what are we supposed to do if this powerful 'no' ceases to work? signed, lost, Australia.

A: There is still alive (at least in USA) a double standard that will allow a girl to say no with more force than a man can. For example: a person stand in front of a judge accused of kicking a person of the opposite sex in the groin. Imagine the accused as a girl, now imagine it was a man. I'm not saying that if "no" doesn't work to knee the jerk in the groin, just to be forceful and clear when saying no.

If a guy walks up to a teen girl and says "I find you strangely exciting, could I possible get to know you better" and the girl feels hers knees getting weak. This is the opposite situation, where saying no to yourself may be in the best interest.   The roads are full of skid marks where young women's lives were derailed by this and I can only give this advice.  "One of the hardest things to do is to learn by the mistakes of others, it's also one of the most important"

 

Q: I really like this guy but how do I get him to ask me out without being to forward? signed, jus do'it

A: There is only one way and that is to be yourself, if for some reason that's not an option then I don't think that asking this guy out is the problem.  (However, you could try some highlights in your hair, guys like that.) One of the problems that this site addresses is freedom, which unfortunately doesn't exclude us as functioning as members of the larger society.

In the argument of which is more important "form or function" I will always side with function. However, form is important in the sense that we can tell a persons sense of self-worth and how they see their placement in society by how they dress and comport themselves. So to increase the odds of getting what we would like we can treat "form as a function" and work on presenting ourselves as best we can with the tools we have at hand. And not just outward appearance, inner beauty is more important. Getting someone is not as important as keeping them, and that is a function of your character. So how do we polish our personalities? According to the humanists, we can grow and improve during our entire lifespan. Just as the act of smiling can improve our outlook, the act of being nicer (not naive) will make us a nicer person. Thanks for the question.

 

Q: My aunt used my lipstick without my permission at my party. Signed, Glossed over

A: I don't think that I would ask for it back.

 

Q: Is there any one word for " mind your own business " ?Signed querious

A: Fredotastierfect... the ninth amendment... I guess not?

 

Q: If the Moon had a Sun, should the Skyrocket? "Astro"

A: Wow... just put down the keyboard and walk away, you'll never top that.

 

Q: How do you tell your in-laws you don't want to see them again? signed, Bummed out in Montana.

A: Show them the divorce decree... When your thinking about marrying someone you need to check out the potential in-laws because you're going to be related to these people. And unless your spouse doesn't want to see them your stuck. The upside is that these are the people that will help bail you out of jail, baby sit, and watch your pet when your on vacation. And I believe that you sound like your ready for a long vacation.

 

Q: Don't you think it should be against the law to wear light-colored spandex pants if you are more than 10% over your ideal body weight? How can people look in the mirror and go, "Yeah, I look good in these."?????

A: I think that everyone should "Mind Their Own Business." If you got your nose up someone's butt the world is going to stink. Seek your own personal perfection, which is what these people are doing. Sure there are people in this world that could use a cup of reality, but somehow they still manage to breed or they would have faded away along time ago.

 

Q: Why does a person need to be humble? signed, inquestioner

A: That way when they make a mistake (and we all do) they don't have to eat as much humble pie.

 

Q: What is politics REALLY all about ?? I mean, are we ALL this gullible or what ? signed, Dr. Benjamin Dover

A: Are you a doctor of love??? Political affairs are a means of splitting the resources that a group of people have. When someone is running for office they want slice the pie according to their beliefs, everything else is window dressing. Which is why we get people with name recognition elected, like actors and wrestlers. Thanks for the question Ben Dover.

 

Q: Mr.Manners, do you have mannners? Signed, sarcasitca

A: I believe that where you graduated high school they should recommend putting your diploma in the windshield, that way you can legally park in the handicapped spaces

 

Q: What should you do if you're eating out at a fine restaurant and you want what's on someone else's plate? signed, Hungary isn't just a country in ... that place .... over there... somewhere!

A: It's just like trading properties when you're playing monopoly. You'll have to have something to trade and don't show that you're desperate or they'll jack up the price.

 

Q: How do you reverse false office gossip about yourself? signed, Falsely Accused in Denver

A: The truth shall set you free! If for some reason the truth isn't working, I have to wonder, maybe you did have sex with that intern....

 

Q: What is the remedy for gas? signed, detectit

A: Solar energy, if someone has gas they should go out in the sun and let it rip. If for some reason that is not an option then you'll just have to grin and share it. And if you do share it be sure to rate it and draw comparisons to previous efforts.
One of the mysteries of the unknown is that there are women who never have gas, just ask them and they will declare proudly "I never have that problem!" I have suspicions about this, but it would explain why some women are so long winded...?

 

Q: How do you feel about cellphone etiquette? signed, muffled

A: I'm all for it. The problem with progress is that some people seemingly are only one generation from the primate, not everyone is on the same page. There are still some people that eat the decomposing carcasses of slaughtered animals.
As the world gets more diverse, diverse it gets.

 

Q: My wife's distant family is constantly making up "poo poo" about my wife and I. I myself want to kill all of them. What do you suggest? signed, Hating The In Laws in Indianapolis

A: This clearly a case of irrational behavior and there's only one way of dealing with it. Unfortunately, it involves you being more irrational than them. So send them a letter signed by Ed McMahon and in say that to win a million dollars they have to move to Alaska and wait for him to show up. Sweet......

 

Q: How do I say no to a guy? Signed, Too nice

A: Some men can be dense so here are the rules. A man gets one chance to ask! So women if a man asks it's not harassment. The second time is allowed for clarification purposes only. The third time a man asks after being shot down twice is stupidity (don't be stupid).
The best way to say no is to say no, don't be vague, it will only cause more problems.

 

Q: I have too much starch in my underwear! Signed, boxed in

A: No, your problem is too much time on your hands

 

Q: Is it ok to pick up your soup bowl and drink the liquid from it at the dinner table... Signed, Wen is wondering.

A: That must have been a secret when you were growing up....? But the world knows that in the animism belief that sprits occupy all things. So that by sipping from the bowl you would actually be kissing someone, so you'll have to explore if you really feel that way towards the bowl...

 

Q: Should I sit in the bus seat while I finda young lady standing besides me? Signed, mass travel

A: The current belief in equality would not condone this, and the woman may be even upset at your paternalistic behavior. But I would still do it, I'm just hardwired that way....

 

Q: I need to know what the dinning etiquette was like in Kat Chopin time ( 1890 to 1910 approx) i need HELP Signed - i hate big projects (hicville, PA)

A: That was the time that the tablecloths were used as napkins, and silverware was used to defend your food. Feel free to use this info and let me know how you do on the paper.

 

Q: Is it okay to look at your fathers video (nudge nudge) collection? Signed, dirty girl

A: If Janet Reno finds out and your life gets plastered all over the news, you'll be sorry

 

Q: Why do people always smack their gum in a library, when the signs clearly read no gum chewing?? signed, I feel the pain.

A: Inconsideration pops into my mind but I suspect that this is a result of you not filling out your census honestly.

 

Q: Why is it considered rude to eat with your elbows on the table? Signed, the etiquette navigator

A: Rudeness is in the eyes of the beholder. As long as society imposes arbitrary rules then we need to realize that the rules are to there to divide us into "us and them". If we follow the rules we can claim membership of whatever group we want.  Too often we dress and act as a member of a group unconsciously and the rules of etiquette are just a part of this membership ritual. Either that or maybe elbows spread disease, I can never keep that straight.

 

Q: If a door can be a jar, can a jar be a door? Signed, Deep thinker

A: If a baby is drop by the doctor at birth will the baby ever grow up and learn to type, Oh wait, I think you already answered that

 

Q: is it okay to eat on a bouncy castle if ALL the people on the bouncy castle don't like what your eating? From, misunderstood by EVERYONE

A: Another good reminder to "just say no"

 

Q: Dear Mr. Manners I would like to know if I would ever get a boy friend and will it be the one I've always wanted. Signed, my eight ball is broken

A: Let me shake my eight ball (In my case I just shake my head) and the answer is, "it is certain". And you know that eight balls are never wrong, so just let yourself go and embrace garlic and baked beans...

 

Q: Is it nice to burp at a table. signed your friend ashley

A: Let me answer this this way. Imagine that your a huge statue and then imagine the biggest flock of birds that you've ever seen...

 

Q: Y do people say 'Bless You' after someone sneezes.. hmm? It is THE most idiotic thing in the world and I want to know WHY! signed, Angel of Death with a very strange cloak

A: People used to believe that sickness was due to evil spirits invading the body. The real angel of death would have know this ... maybe you need a new cloak?

 

Q: If your friend is seeing two guys should you recommend her to go to an optometrist? Signed, Seeing double

A: Hey, I do the witty wordplay here... usually...

 

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a "Tootsie Pop"? Signed, needs a drink

A: I see that they released you... good boy, nice boy, sit... roll over!!

 

Q: If you have 38DD boobs, is it ok to go out in public wearing spandex, looking like a milk cow? Signed, Not Me

A: If I had 38DD's I would never go anywhere. If someone else want to commit what 99% of the population think is a fashion crime then I think that 99% of the population should mind their own business... Fitting into a group by acting or dressing like that group is a personal choice. And if someone want to be a free spirit then I wish them well and will lookout for them as they change the world.

 

Q: Uh, Mr. M...I Am This Boy Who's Neighbor Always Shoos Me Away, And He Tends To Yell A lot.. But His Wife Makes Good Cookies! How Can I Stay All Day With Him, Yet Not Enrage Him? - Signed, Dennis "The Menace"

A: 1st, don't start all of your words with caps! 2nd, don't start all of your words with caps. 3rd, one way to get someone to like you, is to like them. So if there is no way that you could even pretend to be interested in what Mr. Cookies is doing then your going to have to get your cookies elsewhere...

 

Q: i cant stop kissing my boyfriend at lunch. what should i do? Signed, from Kissing

A: If he can't stop kissing you back then enjoy the passion that carries you both away... If he's saying "cool it" then you'll need to decide whether to put your enthusiasm in check or get a new boyfriend.

 

Q: If you were a rather fat or chunky baby is it likely that you'll grow up to be thin or slender? Signed, My Furby bit me

A: Dear Bitten, I just read an article that stated that stored fat was due to people's inability to express power in their life. So work to achieve your goals, and roll with the punches. Then you'll need less comfort food and grow up to be whatever you want to be. That is if your talking about yourself.

 

Q: Dear Mr Manners, Do you consider it good manners to put an aberrant period after titles, e.g.. Mr, Dr, Mrs. This period implies that there is more to come, which there clearly is not in 'Mr' because the 'r' is the last letter of the word mister. Yes I do have a lot of time on my hands, and no I don't have a life. Signed, Deeply Sad in...oh, where am I again?

A: I don't feel that a period after Mr. is aberrant, atypical, unusual... My spell checker says that it's supposed to be that way, and since Microsoft made it you know that they have my best interest at heart.

 

Q: I cant get over Alicia Silverstone? Help Me!! Signed, Mortal Remainz

A: Assuming that the restraining order is already in effect, I suggest that you spend at least eight hours a day surfing the web looking for jpeg's of fish. It's not in the etiquette books yet, but there are current studies that support this approach....

 

Q: y do you say thank you? Signed, Mystery spotter

A: Because I love ya man!!! It's - I believe - the way you type... The brevity of your keystrokes just keeps me on edge. Not everybody can do what you do with the English language. That's why I say thank you...

 

Q: Two questions were asked about sexual relations. I'll try to answer both of them even thou I wasn't sure of some of the terminology. Signed, Mr. Manners

A: Slow down over the speed bumps and I'm glad to hear about the mud flaps...? (Mr. Manners needs a vacation)

 

Q: Dear Mr. Manners, Suppose you are standing in the checkout line and the lady checking your groceries out has this huge purplish looking mass on her face. Should I make eye contact or just keep my eye on the grocery items steadily passing? Signed, Torn between staring.

A: An actual question on etiquette... Mr. Manners head is stunned and spins around three times and then his eyes fall out and roll under his 'puter desk. Blindly he grasps the keyboard and perfectly touch types "as long as you don't stare, you'll be golden!"

 

Q: Dear Mr. Manners, i like this shy guy who i've known for 6 years. i've asked him out a few times but he always says he's busy. his mom told me he likes me and that he wishes he wasn't so busy all the time. his mom told him that he should just go ask me out. he hasn't. how do i get this shy guy to ask me out? from: wrapped up in a shy guy.

A: Step one: I recommend 2 aspirin, excuse me while I go get them... Step two: Find out what he is doing with his time and if you like it, ask to do it with him.

 

Q: Mr. Manners, What is a good way to ask my parents for a lot of money? Signed, Broke in Florida

A: Just ask politely, never con your parents. That way you can keep on asking. Once you con them they might cut you off. If that doesn't work you could always get a job, I heard the economy is good right now.

 

Q: I really like this boy at school, what should I do? Signed, Your lovingly daughter

A: Through the infinity of time that has brought us here today, now, surfing the web, think of all that had to happen. So keep everything in perspective and have try to fun while your in school. Assuming that he's normal just tell him that you like him. And if he turns out to be a smuck at least you'll know to move on...

 

Q: What should I do about this girl at work that wears her clothes two sizes too small. Signed, I'm not looking

A: I would recommend that you keep your nose out of her business.

 

Q: What's the proper etiquette to pick at ones underwear when out in public? Signed, sticky

A: The side step maneuver is the only safe way, it takes practice but can be mastered. It involves looking backward while taking a long step. The look back acts as a classic misdirection, allowing the long step to free up any stuckage.

 

Q: Should a man pick up a woman at a truck stop? Signed, just passing through

A: Only if you can safely lift her...

 

Q: Dear Mr. Manners, I would love to know how you & your wife met, and was she always supportive of your "GIFT" of words?? ( or she run like hell and you followed...LOL) signed, E-ticketride

A: You really think I have a gift for words??? I'm at a loss of words.

 

Q: What is a polite way to ask someone out? Signed, Jodie in Chicago

A: Different stokes for different folks... There is no one way to do it, your best bet is to be yourself and don't say "pull my finger to see what your in for".

 

Q: Why do u think u r Mr. Manners?? Signed, Miss Manners

A: I see that you finally got a spell checker. What I wonder is why your Miss Manners?

 

Q: what do you do if you fart in with a big crowd of people? Signed, Hugh U Lookinat

A: easy one... glare accusingly at the person next to you.

 

Q: Dear Mr. Manners, I am just one hog hair shy of killing my roommate. I had a friend over the other night and whilst we were in another room of the house, my roommates unruly (read INSANE) pit bull seizes the opportunity to rummage through my guest's bag and select his pager as her new chew toy. At some point in the chew session my roommate took the pager from the dog and nonchalantly tosses it in my bedroom saying "Oh, you probably shouldn't leave this out." Needless to say the pager was destroyed, my guest was upset and I am feeling rather homicidal. What is the proper etiquette for this situation for all parties involved?

Write back soon, I find myself sharpening, polishing, sandblasting, and priming the neutrinos of my. . .ohh. . .better not say, premeditation laws and such. Signed, Atomic in Chernobyl

A: You live with a pit bull and are upset that he ate an annoying pager. I think you should count your toes and it they equal ten, pet the dog, take a deep breath and relax.

 

Q: Dear Mr. Manners. Why am I not rich & famous ?? Signed. I-deserve-my-place-in-Hollywood

A: Shouldn't that be "why aren't I rich and famous?"

 

Q: Is it ok to lick your dates ear on the first date? Signed, fast forward

A: If she barks and licks her butt,,, go for it

 

Q: PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT ROLE OF HUMOR IN COMMUNICATION. Signed, a voluble voice

A: Is your caps lock key stuck or are you just flying newbie colors? And that's such a shame, it was a good question... (in other words, write your own paper...)

 

Q: What is the proper response time to send a thank you????? I have noticed recently that several gifts we have given for baby showers and weddings were never acknowledged with a thank-you note. Even if the person says thank-you in person isn't it still good manners to respond with a thank-you??? Let me know your thoughts please! THANKS!!!!! Signed, perceived

A: Yes, that's still good manners, however, it's a different world and manners are now relative. So as long as someone was worth a gift, smile and embrace the time that we have left in this life. As long as nobody's sticking their butt in your face, life is good.

 

Q: I am a young girl and am in love with my best friends boyfriend who is my ex-boyfriend. I slept with him before they were going out and I want to do it again. I wake up and that is all I can think about. what should I do? I don't want to betray my friend but I want to go out with her boyfriend again. I think I deserve another chance. Signed, in love and restless.

A: Jerry Springer doesn't recruit here, so lights, camera, action, grow up and smell the burned coffee.

 

Q: Dear Sir, I wish to know how I can impress a lady through charm and how I properly address my feelings for her? thank you, Signed mesmerized

A: You sound like you don't need any help. But then again you asked me a question, which puts that theory in question...

 

Q: When sending an anonymous note to the loved-ones of my kidnapping victim, should I sign the note "Sincerely Yours", "Truly Yours" or "Warm Regards"? Signed, Psychotic, but not without style and grace in in England

A: This is clearly a trick question, you don't sign ransom notes...

 

Q: If a certain friend of yours, instead of picking his nose, picks his ear (and apparently loves the taste), how can you make him stop doing it in front of other people? Signed, Embarrassed in Canada

A: Tell him "Sit!!" ... "Bad dog!!!" and carry a rolled up newspaper.

 

Q: Are you insane? signed, committed in California.

A: 3 out of 5 analysts recommend me to fellow analysts.

 

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